Sanity INC.

Dry Spell

2011-04-04T21:23:00.000+08:00

Calling this hiatus simply as a dry spell will be the understatement of the year. It's been so long that I can't even remember what's the blog name. It took me some digging of old files to jog my memory. I'm really glad that I remember it now. Even tho I only feel this space once in a blue moon, there's some nuggets here that I will not want to forget.

It's funny to read the last post which I did just after I came back from Bracknell as I just repeat that trip 3 weeks ago. Life truly work in its magical way. I stayed in the same hotel as my last trip. The town did't seem to change much at all. Unlike last time when I had lots of time to play since I was on a course with lots of guys to hang out with, this time I spent all my time to work and work and more work. I didn't even go to London. The project went well, so it was definitely worth the trip away from Perth's summer.

Bye Bracknell

2009-10-31T05:42:00.004+08:00

One more night, one more sleep. I almost finish packing, only need to add few more things tomorrow morning. Now that it's almost time to go, I want to freeze the memories of these last three weeks. A few points of high and low as my sweet reminder.

The High
- Love the hotel, the room was fantastic. Well, not really a room actually, it's more like a mini studio apartment. A luxury compared to all my previous courses. The hotel is also well located. Right in the middle of the town centre and only 15min walking from the office.
- Love my morning walk to the office. Love the feel of cold, fresh air against my face. Love the colour of autumn everywhere, lighting up even the greyest day.
- Love the tunnels that they used as street crossing here. They're all decorated with gorgeous wall painting.
- Love London. I always love London. The architecture, the history, even the greyness of it. If I imagine London as a man, I think of it like an old man with infinite wisdom, full of wrinkle, a bit grumpy but with lots of dry humour. A friendly grandpa. I don't know why I think of London that way. I just do.
- Love all those old pub. The low ceiling. The wobbly wooden tables & chair.
- Speaking of pub, would definitely remember the three guys I've been hanging out in these course. 1 Venezuelan, 1 Colombian, 1 Brazilian. I'm very grateful that they make an effort of not speaking in Spanish whenever I'm around, even if I happen not to be involve with that conversation. I love it that we could have fun drinking together regardless of the age, cultural and technical knowledge difference. I found it hilarious that it only took 2 beers for those guys to start talking about finite elements and geomathematical modelling. Crazy people :D I can't even imagine talking about it sober.

The Low
- Three weeks are just too long. Since I have the additional 1 week in KL, it's even worst. I miss home, miss my hubby, miss my crazy cats.
- Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich... Aaargh... having sandwich for lunch every single weekday is just too much for my Asian tummy.
- Wish the course was better structured with better time management.

My lifeline

2009-10-30T05:17:00.009+08:00

Books. My one constant never-fail-to-be-there companion. My teacher, my best friend, my lifeline. During one of my darkest hour, when human contact pained me more than it consoled me, books were my lifeline. The story distracted me from my own misery, mummed my screaming brain. It's the lifeline that kept me for not drowning.

I grew up as an avid reader. I was lucky, we lived nearby a good local library. It was a favourite hang-out place for me and my friends. And no, we were not geeks. In those days, being seen in library was not consider a capital sin. I read anything, anywhere, anytime possible.

My reading frequency reduced drastically once I started working. I found it hard to muster the energy to read book after a long hectic day of working. With book, you need concentration to digest the language, devour the words, respect the message that the author trying to pass. It was much easier to turn on the TV instead and watch mindless show. Reading book become a side activity just before I go to sleep. Sometime I can't even finish reading 1 page. It's no wonder that lately it could take me anywhere between 2 to 8 weeks to finish one book.

But these last 3.5 weeks have been an exception. The course I'm taking is not demanding. I come back every night to an empty hotel room. No husband and crazy cats that distract me. TV bored me. I couldn't stand going to the pub with my course mates every single night. So I end up finding myself with lots of time in my hand. And as usual, books never fail to save me. Even tho I was alone most of the time, I was never really lonely. Not when I'm eating my dinner, not when I was sitting in the train for 1 hour on the way to London, not when I'm stuck in those long transit hours in the airport and not (so much) when I'm trying to sleep in my vacant hotel bed.

I've read 4 novels so far and all were pretty good. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield (A), I know this Much is True by Wally Lamb (A-), Water for Elephant by Sara Gruen (B) and The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley (B-). I started The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga, but for some reason i couldn't really grab me. So I abandon it for now.

And thanks to my Sony PRS600 Reader Touch, storing and buying books during travel have been made easy. Being a light traveler, books used to give me logistical problem. I could never seem to get the right balance between carrying too much or too little books. More often than not, I end up having to leave books behind. But problem no more! E-book store is available 24-7 online and if I want to, I could carry 1000+ books with me inside a small 2GB memory card.

I just bought two more new books for my 21 hours travel home. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Pie by Marry Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows and The House of Riverton by Kate Morton. Only two more nights. I think I'm ready to go :)

Up 3D

2009-10-26T01:54:00.004+08:00

Today was a sunny sunday. A luxury after a week of grey weather. I was so looking forward to go to London to spend my last weekend there, taking a long walk by the river Thames, pass London Eye, Big Ben and Westminster Abbey... Only to found out that the train from Bracknell to London wouldn't operate due to rail work.

Bugger!!!

But it's such a georgeous day. Beautiful clear blue sky. How could I be upset for long. So instead of mopping in my hotel room, I took a long walk around the town centre. Enjoying the quite charm of a small town. And than I decide to check out the cinema.

I choosed to watch Up, a Disney/Pixar animated movie. Surely a person choice of movie could be an indication of one maturity? :) In my defence, it's in 3D format, and I haven't watched a 3D movie for a long time.

It's a good movie, not too childish for an animated movie. It's adventure, it's comedy, it's romance. The love story of Carl and his (late) wife Ellie brought tears to my eyes. It may only be a sub-plot, but it's the part that touched me the most.

And now the day has come near the end. I might not went to London and see all the monuments and shops it host, I stayed in Bracknell instead and see Paradise Falls. And the day turned out to be just as nice as I could have hope.

Bracknell

2009-10-24T03:33:00.002+08:00

I don't know what make me visit this blog after abandoning it almost a year ago. Maybe being alone in a hotel room makes you want to connect. Anything. To anyone. Any virtual invisible soul (read: none) that ever read this blog beside me.

So much have change since I last wrote. Year has changed. Months have passed. I have graduated. Back to work again to the same company and fortunately they let me do something completly different than what I used to do.

Which lead to the why I'm in Bracknell.

Training, training and more training. 1 week in KL followed by 3 weeks in Bracknell. All for the purpose of making my grey matter fatter. Anything to make me a better commodity for the company to sell.

I've been enjoying the trip so far. The last time I was in KL was in 2003. The place change soooo much. I wished that hubby was there, it would be good if we could reminiscing the old time together. It is afterall, the city that brought us together. It's somewhat weird, although I was alone most of the time there, I never felt alone. The old shadows of the past kept me company during my long walks through those places I used to frequent. It was good to met my one of best friend there, seeing her daughter for the first time. It was amazing to see that WN, the crazy fruity girl that used to dragged me from one night club to another, being so motherly and authorative to her baby girl.

And now here I am, in Bracknell. It's a quite little town about 1 hr train away from London. The hotel i'm staying is right in the middle of the town centre. I spent last weekend to visit London. Last time I was there, it was 2002. Took the hop-on-hop-off buss. I don't think I ever could get tired of that big red open roof top bus. I think tomorrow I'll go there again, this time for shopping. Yey!!!

One more week to go. I miss my husband. I miss my smelly cats. I miss home. Eventhough I'm enjoying the trip, I can't wait to go home.

Another Exam... AAAAARRRGHHHHH!!!

2008-11-09T17:21:00.003+09:00

It feels like it never ending. One exam after another. Tomorrow is another one, my third in the past 1 month. I guess I'm just getting sick of all these assignments and exams. And so as a protest, I'm surfing the net instead of studying :)

Why of Why of Why Being Married Can Be So Difficult

2008-09-24T16:23:00.002+08:00

Specially when you have two very, VERY, stubborn people.

After being married for 1.5+ years, I can already see the pattern of the major things that we fight. Over and over again.

1. My family. Or more specifically is my family treatment and expectation against him. Which make him feel less valued as a person. My inability to say a blunt 'no' to my parents (sometime) unreasonable demand. Sometime I feel like I'm in a constant russian roulette game. With no body winning.

2. His alcohol consumption and his smoking. Him accusing me of not understanding the oz culture. Me for accusing him of not being responsible with his health (and we both know I'm right).

Even if we have other small fights, more often than not, it will end up in the above two topics. God, I wish we could learn to communicate better and vent our frustration in a more reasonable way.

On Wedding, Before My Brain Fail Me

2008-07-31T16:36:00.004+08:00

I'm being melancholy today. Remembering my wedding. Not just the wedding day, but the whole process. Those details that couldn't be capture by photographs. The memories start to fade away, even tho my wedding was only 1.5 years ago. I'm afraid years from now I will only have the wedding album as reminder.

So here goes... the honeys and poisons... the laughters and tears... the joy and sadness... Before I lost more of my grey matters.

- Both me and my hubby don't really care about marriage. We both are fully committed with each other and a piece of paper does not define our relationship. The main reason we get married was to make my parents happy. Well, not that it worked because what could make my parents happy was an Indonesian (preferably Javanese) Moslem man for me to marry. I had 'fail' in all accounts.

- But don't get me wrong, we both are happy to be married with each other. We just wish it could be in our own term.

- I paid for my own wedding. In Indonesian culture, it usually the bride's parrents that pay the wedding cost. But I decide against it. The 'official' reason is that I don't want to burden my parents that have two other daughters to wed. It is a true reason, but one that is more important (but not official) reason is that I don't want my parent to have the main control of the whole thing. It's already way out of what me and my hubby want to do for ourselves.

- I didn't ask my hubby to pay for it. I felt that since the wedding was so out of what he wanted and that 99% of the guests were from my family side, it is better that I did it myself. He took care of his guests traveling and accommodation during the wedding.

- I planned the wedding myself. Maybe it's the cost control or my self-impose-control-freakiness... Maybe it's both. My hubby, being in different continent (and not so much care of the color of the flower or the food menu), trust me with all the small details.

- One thing that he asked about the food tho, if it was possible to have 'Martabak' (Indonesian style of egg omelet mixed with meat and serve with sweet savory sauce). He got his wish.

- I didn't have a clue how to plan a wedding. Never help to do one. Never pay attention to one. Didn't even attend many wedding before.

- I read weddingku.com almost everyday to choose the vendors for the wedding. Without that website, I would be as lost as chicken in the sea.

- If I could have my dream wedding, it would be sunset, bali beach, only attended by immediate family and close friend, string quartet (I thought carrying piano to the beach was too much hassle), soft music, torches everywhere, candlelight dinner in white cloth tables. Small. Intimate. Simple.

- When I said that to my father, he was so mad that he said a marriage that start like that is destined to be doomed. According to him it was childish and selfish. The fact that I want it because it is simple, that it's in a place halfway between Jakarta and Perth, that it give chance for both family to get to know each other intimately, didn't occur to him. He didn't even ask why I want it. And I didn't bother to continue the conversation. I understand that my wedding idea didn't really fall to the 'normal' Indonesian wedding so it might be just too difficult for him to understand it.

- My hubby and I both wanted a small wedding. But we end up having a fight because we couldn't agree the definition of 'small' wedding.

- In Indonesia, 250 people is a very small amount of people to attend wedding. Medium size wedding will have around 500 - 800 people easily. Large wedding (> 1000 people) is not uncommon.

- 250 people in wedding for Australian culture is a lot. He only have 5 people from his side coming to our wedding.

- There were major flood that cripple Jakarta 1 week before our wedding (or is it 2 weeks, I couldn't remember). It did give me the scare, but luckily it didn't even rain the day we got married.

- I was so lucky that my friends were so helpful. Going to survey the venues, buying the invitations in market, crashing into wedding (un-invited of course) to listen to the music. Even my boss turn a blind eye of me going in office hour to do some errands.

- Sadly my boss, who also was the best boss (ad a dear friend) that I ever work with, couldn't attend the wedding since he got transfer to US few weeks before my wedding.

- My wedding singer (who I fell in love instantly the minute I heard her sing), couldn't make it and had to be replace because she was selected for Indonesian Idol (I didn't know if she end up winning or not tho...)

- For wedding music, we had piano and saxophone playing easy jazz. Loved it.

- We decide to have wedding in hotel, so that hubby and his guests could stay in the same hotel. Me and family end up stayed in the same hotel the night before the wedding to avoid the morning rush.

- After the wedding, me and hubby spend our 'honeymoon' there for a week. We didn't have a proper honeymoon since he had to go back to Perth and I had to arrange for my work transfer, visa, etc.

- Our wedding consist of two parts, the holly matrimony and the reception. The holly matrimony is the part where we exchange vow... or actually it's my hubby and my dad exchanging vow. I just sit, watch and keep mouth shut.

- I wished I get to say something, anything, on my own wedding. After all, I'm the one that will spend the rest of my life with him. Not my dad.

- The vow had some part in arabic. Which really freak hubby out because he didn't want to make mistake. He was so stress that I actually had to sneak into his hotel room the night before our wedding to calm him down.

- Hubby wore his 'holly' socks... literally, a big gaping hole... He and I didn't know that we have to remove our shoe for 'sungkeman' (Javanese tradition of respecting parents and elderly by shaking and kissing their hand while half kneeling). The gasp from surprise guests :))

- The 'penghulu' (the guy that married us), was a very nice guy. He was really understanding about the whole mixed marriage thing and I think he gave my hubby lots of leeway. He was also not materialistic, a becoming rare species these days for government official in Indonesia.

- My hubby have to 'convert' to Islam. Me and him really think that we did a disrespectful thing to the religion itself for doing that when he didn't really believe in the religion. But we didn't have a choice. Or actually, we did have other choices, one is that my parents kick me out from my family, other one is that me and hubby take our separate way. So forgive us for being deceitful, but the only choice that we want to take.

- My hubby did the conversion in Perth. He refuse to do it in Jakarta because he said if he had to do it, he wanted to do it in his own time.

- Did you know that he required to ask for a 'Convertion Certificate'? Even the 'Imam' in Perth Mosque was confused.

- The souvenir of the wedding is manicure-pedicure set, package in a cute tube that can change color.

- My hubby didn't really like cutting his nail. Now that we live together, I'm the one that cutting his nails.

- We had the holly matrimony in the morning, the reception in the afternoon and than we got absolutely drunk at night time (of course, after my family check out from the hotel)

- I wore white 'kebaya' for the holly matrimony and gold 'kebaya' for the reception. My hubby wore the same tux on both occasion. He used tie with the same color as my 'kebaya'.

- My mum sew the tie herself.

- On the matrimony, my mum, his mum and partner, and some of my aunties cried. Me, hubby and my dad keep a dry eye. There was just too much tension between us.

- The country manager in the company I work with, came to my wedding. Surprisingly enough. It might be the first Indonesian wedding that he attend.

- My best friend flew all the way from Batam. I love her so much.

- If I could just have the holly matrimony, without the reception, I would be happy.

- My hair got tangled during the reception that my mum-in-law have to help me out.

- My mum-in-law with partner were such a good sport about following the whole procession. They keep the smile all the way in hand shake all those people who were total strangers for them. I think they enjoying the whole things more than me, hubby and my parents.

- The wedding decoration in the stage was Javanese-Modern. The dominant color was gold and orange.

- I loved my hair do so much. In the morning I had white roses and for reception I had orange roses.

- My make up was soooo thick. I didn't usually wear make up so I didn't have any make up remover. My friend actually have to go to chemist across the hotel to buy one for me.

- It took 1 hr to do my make up and 1/2 hr to remove it.

- Me and hubby never hold our wedding album. It was finish after I move. We only see the e-file.

- Hubby and I didn't really like our picture taken. We didn't have pre-wedding pictures (it seems like these days, ALL bride&groom have their pre-wedding pictures). We just not interested.

- There were 3 photographers that capture the moments from the time I had my make up done. It was so weird having so many people taking picture of you.

At the end, I think wedding is only one day. A day. Granted that it the day that start of our life as husband and wife, but it is still just a day. It's the everyday marriage that important. It's the everyday work and love that counts.

One of Those Rainy Windy Day

2008-07-18T10:50:00.002+08:00

It's been raining since dawn and the weather bureau has given a severe weather warning.

And yet I'm loving it!

I don't have class today and the next assignment due next Tuesday. And so I'm enjoying this rare freedom of lazing around doing nothing. I'm having my coffee, browsing the internet, my cats sleeping next to me in the couch... What more can I ask :)

It has been half way through the course now. Time sure flies. And I have make a decision to talk to my office next week to ask for a job staring January. A job that will allow me to do my thesis while working. I guess I'm freaking out with my financial condition. The course fee and living cost is eating up my saving. And although I have more than enough, I don't like to eat my safety cushion and the money I save up to buy house one day. Also I feel that I'm ready to go back to work. I have good mental holiday so far, away from the crazy pressure, and so I feel that I can face pressure now without feeling that it sucking me into black hole.

But now, I am just going to enjoy my coffee and play with my crazy kittens :)

And So My Dad Is An Asshole...

2008-05-26T15:05:00.003+08:00

I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment or maybe it's just a slow realization that he just is. An asshole.

At the end, it is what it is. I can't keep fooling myself.

I try to blind myself from it. Make an excuse. Nurture hope that it's just a one off thing that will never gonna happen again. Try to forgive. Forgive and forget. But it's hard to forget when it happen again and again.

At the end, everyone have limit. I can't keep blaming myself.

My dear dad, what is is that make you so unhappy? Does it make you feel better when you blast off your anger and unhappiness to mum? All the words that we swallowed, all the hidden tears that we shed, all the anger that we buried inside. It will never gonna be enough, isn't it?

At the end, we are not slave. We're human being with our own mind and independence.

Enough is enough, dad. If you are man enough you will make a decision. I wish you choose to walk out and spare mum from more grief. There is no point anymore of trying to live together when you're both are so unhappy.

Enough is enough, dad. Please just have the decency to walk out and find your happiness. Rather than blaming everyone around you as the reason of why you're so unhappy. I wish than you know that you can only find happiness inside yourself. We are not the reason of why you can't be happy. As well as I can't blame you from my unhappiness now.

I can now make peace with myself. Release myself from the guilt that somehow I contribute to all this madness. Now I can see that it is what it is.

An insecurity. Unhappiness. Repress anger. Fear. All mask in that face of yours, when you yell at us, those dirty words your mouth utter, those hateful disrespectful things that you do.

I can now make peace with myself. That we are all responsible with what we feel inside ourself. That and only that. I can't control nor help how you think and act, dad. I can't control nor help how you think and act, mum. I wish I could. But I know I can't. It's me and me alone that I can control and help.

I'll be there for you mum. I hope you strong enough to see that it is what it is. I hope you brave enough to make the decision. I hope that you find peace in this storm. I'll stand with you along the way. Hold your hand. Wipe your tears. Just like you did to me when I am a child.

I'll be there for you dad. I may never understand why and how you could do what you did. And I have stop waiting for apology. Respect from me may be gone but you are still my dad. I hope that you find peace in this storm.

I love you both. All I want is for you two to find peace and happiness.

Goodbye Drunken Monkey

2008-03-28T11:55:00.005+09:00

From poo to drunken monkey. When I'm trying to blog for quantity over quality (not saying that anything I ever posted qualify as quality writing), I never thought this will be my standard. And I can't even keep up with the quantity. I haven't post anything these last two days.

Oh well, I try my best. It's not the writing everyday that bother me. It's the logging to blogger everyday that's annoying for me. Since I'm back to school, my main internet access is in uni, inside our classroom with big screen open for all eyes to see. Not really the ideal corner to write anonymous blog. When I'm back home, it's even more difficult to log on since there's always something that need to be done.

Anyway, enough with excuses. It's the drunken monkey I want to write.

The drunken monkey picture is what I put as my picture profile since... well... too long to remember. I took that picture from my vacation in Bali. That's Uluwatu temple in the background. Anyone who's been there will definitely remember the naughty-borderline-evil-monkeys. Well this monkey stole the bottle from one of the tourist and drink from it. No animal harm, it's not alcohol, just mineral water.

I couldn't explain why I use that particular picture for my profile. Maybe I was just drunk and feel a bit monkeyish? I don't know. I AM weird most of the time.

I think there was once upon a time that I used a picture of baboon red butt that I took from the zoo for my blog profile.

Anyhow, I think it's time to change. This time, no monkey need to be humiliated, I'm using my own picture. I like it since it's kind of myself and yet kind of not. Hopefully if anyone I know happen to stumble to this simple blog, it'll be different enough for them not to recognize me for certain. And anyone that don't know me could get a glimpse of who's the 'monkey' writing this blog.

Got Beaten by Poo

2008-03-25T12:31:00.003+09:00

Yes, I got beaten by poo, or lack of poo to be more precise.

As one would correctly assume, project 'dunny' didn't go smoothly. My babies didn't mind to pee in their new-toilet-shape-lot-smaller-than-before litter but they didn't want to poo there. After placing it for 24 hrs and still no poo, I began to worry. Worry that my babies sick for holding in too long, worry that they drop the 'bomb' elsewhere, worry that it'll leave the house in mess while next week we have house inspection with the property manager.

So for the time being project dunny is being postpone, least until the inspection over. My kitties got their way, as always. For now. I'm not ready to give up yet tho.

The Day I Can Stop Scooping Poo

2008-03-24T20:36:00.003+09:00

What better way to start this everyday blogging than a normal everyday mater such as poo.

Our two devilish kitty that don't seem to understand the word 'no' are actually very good in using their litter. From day one since we took them home, they adapt straight away in using the litter that we provided. They even puke in the litter. Regardless how good they are in using the litter, somebody still have to scoop their poo, clean up the scoop with disinfectant and dust off the scatter litter on the floor. So my hubby morning now start by checking what 'presents' our little 'angels' left and my night end by doing the same thing. I do love our dumber and dumbest, but I can not say that I'm enjoy our new routine.

And so when I saw this litter kwitter in the pet shop, I was eager to try it out. Imagine, cat that able to use human toilet (or as the oz sometime refer to as the dunny). They won't be able to flush of course, but hey, I choose pushing one button than scooping poo.

I think I will call this as 'project dunny'...

We starting step 1 today. The litter tray one, which is basically using the litter tray in the shape of toilet seat, is in the toilet floor. They have start using it. It's a lot smaller than their normal litter tray. The kit said to keep your sense of humor during the training. But it didn't say anything about the part when your kitty, because of the smaller disk size, left their 'waste' in the floor instead of the litter.

Sense of humour my ass...

Sigh... but I'm not willing to give up. Let see how things go the next few days. Hope they can go to the next stage asap.

One thing for sure, I find a new respect to all the new mums in the worlds.

Blog 365

2008-03-23T22:42:00.005+09:00

It's 11pm and I've been spending hours browsing senseless. A bit unusual for me but that's what happen when hubby ditch me so that he could watch horror movie with his mate. A welcome alone time for me, specially if I have to choose between total control of the remote control and the mobile broadband VS mutant sheep going nuts.

Anyhow, I stumble to Blog 365 where they challenge you to blog for 365 days straight, till the internet explodes! Now I know that I didn't have a good track record in posting regularly nor could I think of anything that can make the internet explode, but it does make me wonder if I can actually do it (the blogging part, not the internet exploding part).

Not sure if the move from blogging when-I-want-to to blogging-when-i have-to is a good idea or not. But hey, there are many things in my past that I'm not sure if it's good for me or not, and I did them anyway.

So here I am, going to do this. Not necessarily because I think it will do me good, shape my creativity, train my discipline or anything of that sorts. Only because I'm curious in how long I could last and also in what sort of crap I'll write if I have to do it every single day.

I just realize that if I wait for 1 more hour to post this, I've done my quota for tomorrow. Hmm... I wonder if it's a good sign that I already think of 'tricking' (read: 'cheating') to make this work.

Old VS New

2008-03-23T20:14:00.003+09:00

Long gone my high stress and (not so) high paid job. Welcome homework and (no pay) schooling. The adaptation has been surprisingly easier than I thought. Eventho it's not as relax as I want it to be (we finish school mostly 2-3pm, monday to friday), it's been so refreshing to learn new things everyday instead of keep repeating the same old tasks day after day.

Long gone my crappy old work laptop (which I hapily return it to my employer). Bye-bye microsoft windows. Helloooo my gorgeous slick no-nonsense mac book. OS X Leopard rock anytime compare to Windows XP and definitely not in the same legion as Windows Vista (which I think is just a nice eye candy but a worst performer than XP. Well done microsoft, you guys have definitely redefine the word 'upgrade'). It did take a few days learning the 'lingo' in mac since this is the first time I ever use one, involving few curses here and there. But since than it's been smooth sailing. I love my mac!

After long begging and nagging, I finally cave in to hubby request and adopt ourselves two little kitty. And now I can't imagine my life without them. Granted their idiocy and naughtiness drive me crazy sometime, but when they curling up against you and stare you with that two big round eyes, my heart just melt. They're my baby and I love them through all their boofyness.

My life has change shape so much and becoming less and less similar to my old life. I still sometime looking back in awe. I can believe that I actually did it. The life that I used to know can, and has, change. It still hasn't gone to where I want it to be, but it feels like everything go to the right direction. I still have issues I need to resolve, but if anything that the past few months teach me is this, if you patient enough, willing to take the risk to get out of your comfort zone, life can give you a pleasant surprise.

Post Power Syndrome

2008-01-27T10:10:00.000+09:00

Einstein with his theory of relativity is right! Time is relative. I can't believe that it's less than one week for me to finally give my final bow and say goodbye to my workmate. Looking back in retrospect, I can't help noticing how life come in full circle. I started my work in Australia, end of January 2001 and now I get to end it in Australia too, end of January 2008.

Seven long years... ten different countries... hundreds of people from all over the world. The dessert, the snows, the jungle, the multi-million sky scrappers. The living to bare minimum in the back of a truck to the five-star hotel exposure.

I didn't know what I commit to when I start working. And wow, what a ride it's been so far. And I have to admit part of me freaking out thinking that by end of next week, I'll cut my ties (eventho temporarily) to all the things that I've been so used to for the past seven years. But you know how it goes, when you've been running so long and so far, under constant pressure, you have to stop and rest.

I need to stop. I need the rest.

I need this 1.5 years leave, not only to study but also to contemplate on what is it that I want to achieve in life. Taking a deep breath, living in slower pace, getting to know myself, getting to know life. I'm all for climbing the stair, as fast as I could, as high as possible. But I want to make sure that the stair is leaning to the right wall. I don't want to reach the end of my journey only to find out I've been climbing the wrong stair.

Am sooo looking forward of the future!

When It Rains, It Pours!!!

2007-12-29T21:00:00.000+09:00

This, suppose to be holiday season. Time to relax, get drunk, shop till you drop among the xmas sale and pile the tummy with all the unnecassary carbs.

And yet this has been the worse holiday season ever.

It all started on xmas eve. My mobile rang, and when it rang at night time, I knew it couldn't be good. Sure enough... we had equipment failure on the field and from that point on, my phone just kept on ringing... my boss, the clients, the guys on the field... I couldn't enjoy xmas lunch with hubby and his best mates with the constant phone disturbance (as if I could organize any spare part from supplier when all offices were close). To make things worst, the cyclone was coming, so had to organize everyone whereabout and the cyclone evacuation plan. Than on boxing day, we had dinner with his friend that coming home from UK and I had to excuse myself because I had to do a phone conference, at 10 freakin night time.

Up to know the problem still not fix and I can see how this might go on and on all the way to new year. The cost of the failure keep mounting up as the time ticking. The current tally probably has passed the 3M mark now and I hate to see how much it'll cost at the end.

*&^$*#&%()$(**&)@#(*^ And to think that I get stuck smack bang in the middle of all this just because I'm replacing someone that going on a 1 month vacation. He sure owe me big on this one.

This whole thing just making me even sure of the decision that I've made. The only thing that keep me going strong through this whole ordeal is the knowledge that I don't have to deal with these craps anymore by end of January. It's a bold underlining statement that my work IS crap and no money in the world could ever put me in this kind of stress anymore.

The Joy of Friday Evening

2007-12-21T19:48:00.000+09:00

Aaah... the joy of a having a weekend ahead of you. Sitting down browsing the net with my icy cold Vodka Cruiser. Sun is still giving its light at 8pm here... my window is open and the breeze is cooling against the summer heat.

Work activity has start to slow down. People heading off for this christmas, boxing day and new year holiday. Unfortunately I'm here holding the fort, doing two person job since my workmate is off for one month (lucky bastard). I'm just wishing that there won't be any drama in the field so I won't spend this holiday season doing firefighting.

But hey, I won't complain much further. In fact, I'm in such a good mood that even the extra work doesn't bother me much. I only have to deal with this crap for 1.5 more month.

One.Point.Five.Months... 41 more days to be more precise. Fourty.One.Days... hmmm... sounds like music to my ear.

I have make the decision on which path I'll take in this crossroad of life. And I feel free, relase and at peace with what I have decide. I have choose education over monetary. I have decided I'm going to get serious in getting to know the industry I'm in now, in the technical sense. I've made decision that operational and management position won't make me happy in future. Adrenaline rush has lost its magic. Managing incompetence people p-ssed me off. I'm looking forward to a more relax enjoyable working environment, settling down and being a technical leader in the industry. While if I stay doing what I'm doing, the fire fighting will always take priority, I always have to clean up other people mess and I will be left with very little personal time.

So... starting mid February next year, I'm picking up my notebook and go back to school.

:) Feels funny. But I'm very excited and can't wait for it to happen.

My poor boss not happy... but couldn't stop me either. It's not like I'm asking for her permission to take off for 1.5 years. I'm 'telling' her that I'll be off, with or without her consent. It's only a matter of whether they still want me in the company or not, either way I don't really mind. But I know they couldn't afford to release me. I'm trying to make them pay some of the tuition cost, but it won't bother me much if I get it or not. I have the tuition cost cover by my own saving and my lovely husband won't mind picking up the tab while I'm studying.

So I'm now in the process of getting the student visa, and the spouse visa. Very short time I have for the visa process, but I'm optimist it'll work out well.

Hmmm... I wonder if I should buy a red Elmo's lunch box. I always want to have one of those :)

Coming Back to Life

2007-11-24T21:52:00.000+09:00

No excuse! I've been bad, neglecting this space. Life's been crazy since the last time I wrote, but no excuse, if I really want to find the time, I could've done it.

But hey, as if anyone read this anyway. I've wrote this only for me, so permission is granted for not writing, excuse is never needed in the first place.

A nutshell of what's happening so far...

Got married on March. 1 week honeymoon than off we were separated again. Finally got the job transfer that I asked, not the package that I wanted and deserved, but I was desperate and in no position to bargain. Moved to Perth on April, finally together after 4 years long distance. Started my job in the new office. Hate the job with passion. Trying to balance personal and professional life. Adjusting to the married life, having to share my otherwise selfish life with someone else. Everything come at once it was overwhelming. But now things has start to settle, not as what I want it yet, but in a somehow more manageable way.

Now here's the truth...

I'm not happy. I wake up in the morning not feeling inspired to life my live. Marriage, the one thing that I focus on (read: obsession) to make it happen against all odds for the past few years does not fulfill me. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and sharing life together has been wonderful. But I still feel lost. I still feel incomplete. I hate my job so much I loose sleep over it. I feel depressed and the vibe in the office has been negative that all we talk about was who's next in giving resignation letter. I don't have the drive nor the passion of being great at work anymore.

I don't know who I am, what I want, where I want to go.

But there's silver lining on everything. I can feel it. This is one of the life major crossroad I'm about to face. To change is no longer an option. Is a must, or I life a dying life. Being happy is not a dream, it's a conscious decision of what I'm going to be. Something is coming, I can feel it. It'll happen soon.

After Long Silent

2007-02-03T22:00:00.000+09:00

Aaah... and what a long silent it is. It fall under my bad habit category. That when my life is tumbling upsidedown, even when I have the time to write, I just couldn't do it. Not because I don't have anything to write. It's because I have too much to write I don't even know how, where and when to begin.

I'm nervous. I'm feeling high. I'm so so scared. I'm excited.

Four more weeks. I can't believe that in four more weeks i'm getting married. I constantly have this feeling of butterfly fluttering in my stomach everytime I remember the wedding.

I know that many girls plan for their perfect wedding day for God knows how long. I'm not as obsessed as many people that I know, but still... I'm just a girl. I can't wait wearing my broken white and gold kebaya, looking at the flower decoration, eating the food, meeting all the friends and family. But really, even if all those don't go perfect, I won't worry too much. Cos nothing could ruin the day I'm marrying the man that I love.

To think that we don't have to spend our life seperated by thousand miles of ocean. Aaaah... I just couldn't stop smiling :)

I'm a Lucky Person

2006-12-25T23:15:00.000+09:00

Let me count the ways... (not in the order of importance)

1. I have a good job. Pays well enough to let me be independent and live comfortably. Gives me a chance to work and travel around the world. Allow me to meet some of the weirdest, wackiest, people from various background and nationality. There are days when I wake up feeling that I just really don't want to go to work today. But there are also days when I look back and I'm so grateful and proud with all the accomplishment, experience and personal growth that I gain so far. If at the end I need to give up this job and risk getting something else, I know I'm well equiped to survive by myself.

2. I have a family that love me. We're definitely not a picture perfect family. In fact, this is the rockiest and coldest condition we ever have. But deep down (tho now it's like you need to dig a lot deeper than usual), we know that we love each other. And whatever crazy-insignificant-yet-principal argument that we have right now, is the result of love. No matter how egocentric it may come across to each other.

3. I have good health (tho loosing few of those extra pounds is definitely most welcome!). What more important is, I have enough common sense to appreciate the beauty of life (only lately my irrational part seems to be in over drive).

4. I have a wonderful human being that, despite knowing the dark side of my -obsessive-selfdestruct-psycho- personality, love me. For who I am, the good and the bad. And he actually want to spend the rest of his life with me.

My life is not perfect. Yes. I kind of have more than I can chew in my plate at the moment. Yes. I seem to loose control of my life. Yes.

But than again, who isn't? Who's in the world that still breathing that doesn't have their own set of problems?

So stop being a self-pity-cry-baby bitch!!!

Stop. Killing. Yourself!

2006-12-25T00:31:00.000+09:00

Stop torturing yourself with all these negative thought brewing in your dirty brain. Stop thinking that the whole world are against you. Stop believing that everything will go wrong no matter what you do.

STOP. Just STOP!!!

Deep breath. Things are not as bad as you think it is. Even if it is, it's not meant to last forever. Nothing meant to be forever. All things will pass. This too, will pass.

Promise me that everytime you feel low, to take a deep breath, close your eyes and just keep repeating. This too, shall pass.

Total Wreck!

2006-12-12T18:30:00.000+09:00

I just received an email from my future mum-in-law. Quote "I don't know how you keep so calm with all these Wedding arrangements. If it were me I think I would be a wreck!"

Calm? ME? CALM???

I'm like this close to scream on top of the building. It's getting more and more difficult to focus on what should I do next. I'M A TOTAL WRECK!!!

Maybe it's my own fault anting to do this by myself without EO. But we're in tight budget since we're paying the wedding by ourself. So spending 5 mill RP for EO seems like such a luxury :( So here I am with my zero wedding knowledge, trying to juggle everything at the same time.

Try to combine western and traditional wedding together. Try to convince your Australian boyfriend that he won't look silly wearing 'kopiah' in his head and that he will need to shake hands to 300 total strangers. Try to convince your parents that the 'normal' way to do wedding may not be 'normal' in the eyes of others and that they shouldn't feel guilty of not inviting Mrs B that they talked like once a year and one time asked to be invited if I'm married.

I can't wait to have the wedding done and over with...

Irony

2006-12-05T17:22:00.000+09:00

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."
From Shakespeare [As You Like It]

Yes, we are all merely players in this crazy world. And my parents could probably win an oscar for best actor and actress.

This weekend, my sister broke the news of my father blow out scene when I was still away for the course. He said that he wants to divorce my mum. That he hasn't been happy for the last one year and that he feels like divorce is a way to avoid him hitting my mum. All that, infront of my poor sweet mum that just keep her mouth shut.

I know about my dad bad temper which drive the family nuts from time to time. But I always thought that even tho they might not be in a lovey-dovey newly-wed condition anymore, they are at least in some sort of comfort zone with each other. I mean 28 years of marriage is not a short time. To say that I'm shock and dissapointed is an understatement.

The sad thing is not really on the divorce. I can accept that, as I'm sure that my sisters can too. As long as they can be happy. What is sad is I think they will not get divorce and just stuck being unhappy on the last stage of their life. I don't think my dad will ever survive taking care of himself. You're talking about the guy who ask my mum to do ever single thing, even taking his own drink from the kitchen. And he knows that we, the daughters, are closer to mum than to him. My mum would probably bear her pain in silent so that she won't be a burden to her daughters or family. And so they will continue living their life as players in stage. Putting their mask to the world and living the live that they don't love.

It's very hard for me to look at my dad and respect him as an individual. I know that he raised me but I have lost my respect. The best I could is tolerate him, for old time sake, and for respecting my mum wish. Even if she wish to stay with him.

And to think that all this happen when I'm preparing my wedding.

Isn't life is just one big comedy play?

Austria & Paris

2006-11-28T22:03:00.000+08:00

When I landed in Soekarno Hatta airport and heard the Indonesian language being spoken left and right, it felt like music to my ears. You know, the old saying is right... there's no place like home. And 5 weeks is a long time to leave home.

AUSTRIA

What can I say about that country. I just love the nature soooo much. The mountains and the rivers and the lakes. All it just so breathtaking. The beautiful architectures, the wonderful people, all just making me fall in love with the place even more. The only problem I have there is only the language. I speak very very little German. And turns out that people don't speak English very well in the place where I'm staying. So it's a lot of hand sign and body language during the whole stay. Which is quite fun and frustrating in the same time :)

I spent most of my 2 weeks time in a small town by the mountain called Leoben with only about 25000 populations. Foods there are mostly influenced by German food and taste sooo good I'm having a problem in restraining myself. Right now my mouth is watering for those Schnitzels. The picture below is taken from a hill about 20 minutes hiking from the hotel where I'm staying. I was out of shape and my lung felt like it could explode :) The two guys I hike with were not in a better condition also (btw, they're American and Pakistani... we sure made one weird group :). But the view you get from up there... it's definitely worth the pain. Oh ya, and to the rest of the group, we claim that we have conquer a 'mountain' :)

[Leoben, taken from 'mountain']

In the first weekend, I went to Salzburg alone. The three hours train ride passed the Alps Mountain and Salzach River. All the way, it just like those pictures you see in postcards. Whenever I passed the houses, I couldn't stop thinking... those lucky people, they could enjoy this view every day... Salzburg itself is a lot bigger than Leoben. Famous as the place where they shoot the legendary movie "The Sound of Music", birthplace of Mozart and rich with favourite skiing spots, the city earn most of its revenue from tourism. It's quite easy to find people that speak good English. But the TV in the hotel still only had CNN as the only English speaking channel. My favourite spot is definitely the old part of the city. It's just wonderful to walk on those small alleys full with little shops. And than the beautiful architectures, mostly done in Baroque style, are simply beautiful.

[Salzburg downtown]

I also took the tour to the mountain and the lake outside of the city. I was so lucky that the weather was so good (sunshine - 19degC in end of Oct was kind of like miracle there :) that they still have the boat ride on the Wolfgang lake (the last ride of the year). And you know what... those famous line from The Sound of Music... "The hills are aliiiiiveeee.... with the sound of musiiiic", I could definitely imagine Maria running through the hill, throw her arm up and yell that line. Cos I feel the exact same way.

[Lake Wolfgang - River Tour]

The last weekend in Austria, before I flew to Paris, I spent it in Vienna. Or Wien, as the Austrian call it. Too bad the weather was not friendly anymore. It started snowing that weekend when I leave Leoben. And tho Vienna is warmer than Leoben, it was still cloudy and raining pretty much the whole time I was there. I guess because of that I couldn't enjoy Vienna as much as the other two cities. I spent most of my time inside the hop-on-hop-off bus that taking me all around the cities. My fave is definitely the St. Stephen cathedral and the area between the cathedral and the opera house. Oh ya... and I have to evacuate the hotel cos the bulding next to my hotel was on fire. But everything was ok at the end.

PARIS

The city of light... the city of romance. Too bad the reason I'm staying in Paris is not really to enjoy the light and definitely no romance involve. We actually not even staying in the center of Paris, but rather in one of the suburb. About 25 min with direct train from Gare de Lyon. It's a very small area and we're not living in a very nice place. Transportation was expensive and we were busy with the class. So me and my classmate spend most of our weeknights stuck in the hotel bar. One thing that I have to admit tho, the French definitely have good wine, even in the cheap range. I don't know how many bottles our little group manage to drink on those 3 weeks we stayed there. I even earn a new nick name... purple lips :)

I spent all my weekends touring around Paris. It's my second time coming to the city, but because my first visit was such a short trip, I really spend this second time to leisurely browse the city. I spent one of the day in Louvre museum and fell in love with Panini. And I definitely not claiming myself as a cultural person, because looking at Monalisa, I just could not see why all the big huhahh about that painting.

I found my new fave spot in Paris that I didn't even know existed on my first visit. It's highly recommended as a not to missed spot if you visit Paris. It's called Montmartre. A beautiful small area, very french, full off small restaurant and shops, with an open art market, and also home for the beautiful Basilica of the Sacre Coeur. If I could visit Paris again, I wouldn't mind skipping the rest of the other touris attraction and just go to that one place again.

[Basilica of the Sacre Coeur]

JAKARTA

It is polluted. It is packed with non-stop traffic jam. But it is home. Home of satay and rendang and ayam taliwang. Home of cheap shopping. Home where my parents and my sis live. No other place could replace. And it feels so good to be home :)

Away...

2006-10-30T21:25:00.000+08:00

Imagine this scenario...

Moving place, for the sixth time in 3-1/2 years span, with all the craps a girl can accumulated in 1 year (which is a lot!).

Trying to secure a place in Jakarta for a wedding in March(don't be surprise, places in Jakarta get booked FAST and 5 months preparation is considered as LATE)

Preparing for five weeks courses with an idiot administrator that keep sending the wrong supporting document to apply visa (how hard is it to check if the name in document is rightly spelled?)

Roughly in that order... All within 2 weeks time. It's amazing that I don't go to mental house. I am just glad everything's done.

And now I'm just taking a deep breath... enjoying my relax time (well as relax as training allow) ... in AUSTRIA :)

Sweet September

2006-09-12T18:25:00.000+08:00

I couldn't remember my first birthday party.

In the old photo album, there's picture of me on what I think was my birthday. I'm not even sure how old I was, maybe 4 or 5 yo? I was surrounded by my parents - Dad still had a shoulder length hippy style with big glasses, Mum just looked so pretty and fresh. The birthday presents were in big boxes with bright colour wrapping. I loved presents in big box. I dreamt about presents in big box. I thought that the bigger the size, the bigger the surprise, the better the present would be.

I'm 28 years old now.

Birthday party doesn't excite me anymore. Birthday presents, big or small, tho always nice to receive, are not what I'm looking forward to. I spent my birthday just like any other normal day. Go to work, receive phone calls from my family, reply some sms/ email from some dear friends that remember, have a nice lunch outside with my workmate that doesn't know that it's my birthday, and spend the night talking on the phone with my love. A very quiet yet peaceful birthday for me.

I'm just grateful for the time that have been given to me so far. I'm thankful for the people that I love and love me back. I'm a very lucky person. And by knowing that, I am blessed.

A Letter For My B*

2006-08-28T17:53:00.000+08:00

It’s a new journey for me down a path I have never traveled.
Scary yet so wonderful at the same time.
I know the scary part will go away
So we can enjoy the feelings we have without fear.

I sometimes feel I don’t fulfill your needs
And I hate myself for that
I truly get stuck and feel helpless
And confused.

I want to take your hand. To hold you.
At least mentally if I cannot physically do so.
But sometimes I fail. And for that I am so so sorry.
It pains me so much sometimes.

I love you with all my heart. And I know you love me too
This is the bond that will never break, as I learn to be what you want and need.
We will go places, you and I. Together.
I love you darling. And I hope you always love me too. It is what keeps me going now.

Please forgive me for anything I have failed you.
Or made you sad.
I love you so very much.

You must be a mind reader. Despite the distance, you have this uncanny ability to sense when I hit rock bottom and what button to push to make me smile again.

You keep making me fall in love to you. Over and over. Again and again.

When Heavy Weight Being Lifted

2006-08-18T11:52:00.000+08:00

Feel so light make me feel I could fly. Feel so free I could scream in public.

Thank you baby. For doing it for us. I know it's not easy for you. And I love you double for that.

7 more days...

2006-07-24T10:58:00.000+08:00

July end in 7 more days. 7. more. days. And than I'll know. He'll know. The end of the road and where it will lead us to.

I've been trying so hard to stay positive. I've try to keep nurturing my hope and believe that everything will be ok eventho there's part of me that just keep thinking of the worst case scenario. I think subconciously that's my way of avoiding total shock should it won't work out. It's like the battle of light and darkness and keeping it balance really has been a challange. But yesterday morning, after the cold phone call, I just break down and cry. And I talk to God and feel connected to God, something I haven't done for long time.

I pray, if it's not meant to be, please give us all strength to end it and strength to move on. I pray, if it's meant to be, please give him strength to do what he needs to do and please let him forgive me for that. And I pray whatever it is, please just let us all have the strength to reach the final conclussion soon.

7. more. days...

To Live Healthily - 3rd Objective Revision

2006-07-20T18:53:00.000+08:00

To achieve the 3rd objective of my last post, I've decided to start a new diet. But unlike the past, I didn't just go to book store and bought whatever diet book that's best displayed on the shelves or to believed, blindly, to other people advices that there's some miracle cure out there that can cut my weight fast without pain (typical slogan you can see on diet gimmick). This time I made myself do a bit more scientific research on 'diet' which consequently lead me to 'health'. And than it hit me. I have been, foolishly AND repeatedly, doing the same mistake. Over and over again.

My first error is the objective itself. LOSE WEIGHT. The truth is, I have been eating and living unhealthily. The weight creeping up little by little, so slow that I noticed but didn't really do anything cos I thought that all was still under control. Than I realize that I have been buying bigger and bigger clothes and my tummy has two yukky flab and I wonder 'how do I let myself becoming this?' :( But just like the extra weight, aiming to lose weight is a problem by itself. It's a superficial target drive by superficial motivation. Media have been guilty in bombarding the world with the ideal image of beauty. Lots of people suffer life-threatening bulimia and anorexia so they could look bonny skinny like those slim models that rule the runway. I sure want to look good on my wedding kebaya later, and that's definitely a motivation. But I know that focusing on weight lost ONLY is focusing on the wrong issue and not tackling the core problem.

My second fault is to do DIET. I don't know about you, but for me, diet means a period of time when you torture yourself (physically and mentally) by denying most of the good things that life has to offer to your tongue. Sure there's plenty enough diet variation you can choose. Atkins, Zone, South Beach, Weight Watcher, Cabbage Soup (seriously, I don't even bother to do research on this one, the name itself already sound stupid and crazy enough), detox, low carbs - high fat, low fat - high carbs (unfortunately no diet yet claim it can allow high carbs - high fat :), and the list goes on. I've tried a few in the past like Atkins diet (I think I quit because I didn't lose significant weight and I read some scary negative impact of that diet), Detox diet (which is very strict and painful and I did it with my boyfriend we're on OUR HOLIDAY TOGETHER so say no further, I gave up I think on the 2nd or 3rd day. We were such delusional dimwit trying to diet on the time that the temptation is at highest), or simply just starving myself blindly. No wonder I could never stay on diet for more than a week. Once I claim that I will be on diet, FOOD is the MAIN thing in my mind ATT ALL TIME. I became obsessed with food specially those I can't touch. Finally I fold on temptation and because I'm one of those perfectionist-all-or-nothing kind of freak, I usually just give up alltogether afterwards.

So now let me revise my 3rd objective. I want to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to feel good about my body by aiming to get rid of that yukky flab in those places that I don't want (and will still be happy eventho it's not likely that I will ever gonna have Kate Moss's body). I want to feel healthy AND stronger and actually able to do more than half hour exercise without feeling like I'm going to die right on that spot.

Really. AT the end it's a hard pill that I have to swallow. There is no quick fix to the problem that I have been giving to myself for years now. Again. THERE'S NO QUICK FIX!!! THERE'S NO MAGIC FORMULA!!! YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK TO EARN IT!!! (I have to keep repeating it so my slow brain can actually grasp it). It's a change of ATTITUDE. It's a change of LIFESTYLE. For LIFE.

5 Things I Want To Do Before 2006 Gone By

2006-07-17T11:33:00.000+08:00

1. Drive in Jakarta's street. Highlight "In-Jakarta's-Street".
I'm ashamed to admit that I have been dependant on having others driving me around. My driving license expired 4 years ago and I haven't renew it since. Started yesterday, I'm taking driving lesson to refresh my rusty skill. I'll have 3 more lessons to go (maybe more depending on my level of confidence) before I'm making new license and start battling the war against all the crazy-maniac-i'don'tcareifigothurt-bikers.

2. Enroll to online master degree.
SomethingI've been planning since last year. And somehow I keep giving myself excuse to postpone it. Not enough time. Too much energy taken. Too expensive (wouldn't it be better if I use the money for shopping?). Blablabla... the list goes on. Regardless of all that, deep in the back of my mind, i know that it's an investment worth taking. I have safe enough money to do it. And now, when I'm not even thinking about children, would be the best time to take it.

3. Lose Weight, 13 kgs of me.
I'm in borderline of being overweight. My BMI is 25.2 (ideal BMI is 18.5 - 25). 13 kg is a very agressive target to achieve in only 5 months but it's definietly doable. I don't want to starve myself tho. I don't believe in self-punishment. I do know that I need to eat healthier food group (yea.. yea... I even going to try eating more of those yukky veggie) and excercise more (my dusty elliptical bike will be so happy).

4. Call and talk to my sis and my parents more.
We are not one of those close family that hang around together regularly. The fact that my sisters and I live in different cities make us only see each other maybe once every 2 or 3 months. In fact, I haven't seen my middle sister for almost a year now since she's not even in the country. But I know that with email/chatting/phone/sms and all the goodies that technology offer, it's not an excuse to loose contact. So concious effort to have minimum of one contact per week is needed.

5. Get married.
Needless to say, it's the top of my priority now. 4.5 years relationship, 3.5 years of that long distance, have drain my energy away. Few quick emails and phonecall over weekend left me in constant hunger for something more. I just want to share my days with the one that I love. Without having to count on how many more days before the next meeting and how many more days before we have to seperate our ways again.

Citizenship Law

2006-07-13T17:00:00.000+08:00

The government has approved the law that allow children from mixed marriage to have dual citizenship till their 18 years old. Finally. And about bloody time that the government come to their senses. My happiness is beyond words :)

All is thanks to this wonderful people that have been fighting to pass the law. Let's hear it for them... HIP HIP HORAY! Once again... HIP HIP HOOOORAAAYYY!!! :)

Aside from that, this morning on a radio I heard a woman complaining that the law should allow her kids to have dual citizenship forever. Now I can understand where she stands. It's as if asking a child to choose between the mother or the father. And I would love that my children [heh, typical woman, haven't been married and yet already imagining her future children :)] can hold dual citizenship forever. Still, to be fair with the rest of hundred millions of Indonesian that only allowed single citizenship, I don't see that children from mixed marriage should be given special treatment once they're mature enough to make their own decision. Don't get me wrong, I think in this more-and-more-becoming-borderless world that we live in now, Indonesia should join this 89 countries that recognize some form of dual/multiple citizenship. But that option should apply to ALL Indonesian citizen.

While waiting to the time when Indonesian government put enough trust to its citizens in having dual nationality, let's just see what country that do or don't recognize dual citizenship. We are not alone, people.

red - don't, yellow - do, gray - unknown
Source: Wikipedia

Now with the change of the law, maybe Indonesian colour should be change into something between red and yellow. Maybe we're ORANGE country? :)

View of The Glass

2006-06-28T15:01:00.000+08:00

I'm the-glass-is-half-empty kind of person. My previous posts could easily confirm that. I have a quick read through some of my old posts and some I really would like to delete. But hey, it's a monument of my state of mind. So no matter how embarassing some of them, it's a part of who I was (or still am :).

My dark twisted mind scared me sometime. My boyfriend frequently complain that I always take everything from the lowest gloomiest point of view. Than stamp and bury it even lower. Sad to say, I'm guilty as charge. Like some people get addicted to high core activity, like buggy jumping and speed driving, to pump their adrenalin, I I get high from sorrow. That tight knot in my stomach thinking that something WILL go wrong. I will choose my fave depressing topic of the day, and pound on it over and over, thinking various scenario of how things could go wrong. Sad? Yes. Pathetic? Yes. Like I said, I'm guilty as charge.

I didn't use to be like that tho. Well... least not that bad. I think it got worst over the years due to the fact that over the last five years, I have change. A LOT. Yap, that's in capital words. The whole process is difficult to said the least, and even harder to digest. I feel like I'm loosing my identity and I end up hating myself. Now I'm more in peace with the whole thing. Not to say that I'm there yet, but I have accept it as one long journey. A life long journey. One that I'm wishing not ending soon :)

This is what change in a nut shell (as of today as no one knows what will happen in future):

1. My view on religion
I think that's one of the hardest one to chew. I'm a moslem by birth and had been feed about the do and dont's since my tender age. I will even go further now by calling all religious education as brain wash. I used to think that a good life need a strong religion base. If not that I will surely be burn in hell. Now I see reliogion as something 'questionable'. I don't think bad about Islam nor that I think it's less or more superior compare to other religion. Not at all. I just see so many abuse in religion, unkind action in the name of God, which make me feel apathetic about the whole thing. I know good people and bad people, from all kind of religions and belief, including in those that don't particularly believing in religion at all. So I think at the end of the day, people are just people. With all the potential of good and bad, and that not necessary define by what you believe in.

2. My view on my parents
A child always have difficulty to view the parents as human being. A unique individual; with hope, desire, fear, traits, flaws, etc etc. Not just someone that we call mum and dad. I used to see my parents as the law, the 'God' that create the rule which govern my life. Looking back, it's always been a priority for me to follow what they want and make them proud. It's strange now to think that they were in the same age as I am now when I was born. I don't think I'm the ideal daughter for them anymore. And it's difficult to adjust with the fact that I may have dissapoint them by putting my need first. Does that make me egocentric and ungrateful? Maybe. It surely make me feel that way. But I just could not live my life anymore based on someone else's vision. Specially when it's so not inline with my own. As I don't want to force my view to my parents, I expect them to respect my view and not forcing theirs to me. I don't know... I just want them to be able to see me as not only their child, but also a grown-up woman who surely capable of making decision in her own life and fully responsible with whatever is the outcome. Sometime I think they still think of me as 15 years old.

I don't know if the changes make me a better person or not. I only know that I needed the changes to move on with my life. Now I'm just someone that try to be the-glass-is-half-full kind of person :)

2006-06-05T10:42:00.000+08:00

I should have been prepared. I even asked him that question a few times in the past. Challenge him to walk away if it's becoming too much for him. I should have been prepared. I thought I have been prepared. But when it came out from him own mouth that he will walk away should I have to choose, I was far from prepared. Like a knife stabbing straight to my heart. Than I was upset. My whole life has turned upsidedown with this relationship. And now when the condition between me and my parents have change to a point that I know could never really recover, he's going to walk away without even giving me the chance to choose? Than I was scared and I beg him to stay no matter what and only calming down after he said that he didn't mean to leave 'leave' me.

Now in the morning after, I'm just empty. He has every right to leave me if he's not wanting the relationship anymore. If the stake becoming too much than the possible rewards. He's right, should I ever have to choose, even if I choose him, that will over shadow our relationship forever. Maybe I can get over it one day, maybe not. Why should he has to stand and suffer with me. It didn't do any good for me to suffer alone, but everyone has their own way to protect themselves.

And I learn I could never be prepared for such thing. I just have to take it as it come. Prepare for the worst.

Right now I just want to sink in to earth and dissapear.

The Betrayal

2006-05-08T15:15:00.000+08:00

This morning a friend shared a sad story. Someone cleaned up his whole savings, left him penniless. All those years of hard work, gone in what seems like a second. And what hurt him more, the crime was done by someone close, he knew him for more than five years, and he trusted him like his own brother. Actually that bastard almost become his brother in-law in few months time.

This weekend I watched a movie, Match Point. A husband killing his pregnant lover so his wife won't find out. He was someone who married for convenience, loved someone else, and than not willing to sacrifice his lifestyle, decided to kill the love of his life. The wife didn't have a clue.

You heard that story for time to time. The betrayal. The treachery. It made me thinking. How well can you actually know someone? Trusting yourself into the hand of someone you thought you can rely on? Risking that you could be crushed and crippled?

But to live without trust, without the believe of goodness in people, would it still be a life worth living?

Stupid Rambling When Sleep Won't Come

2006-04-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

I miss my parents.

Funny... cos they never really far. Least not in distance. They only half an hour car rides on a lazy-traffic-free Saturday. I still talk to my mum at least once a week. I used to visit them almost every weekend. Even now, I tried to meet them at least once a month. But physical distance was never the problem.

I miss my parents.

But there's this invisible gap between us that seems to spread. Bigger and bigger. I'm like a walking broken skull with a hole that seems to grow. Bigger and bigger.

I miss my parents.

The time when we used to be able to talk everything. When secrets are not needed. When the conversation does not die after half an hour, not knowing what to say next. When you still think that you know the person that you share your blood with.

I miss my parents.

And I wish they miss me too. I hope they want to know me for the person I am now. Even if I don't turn out to be the perfect daughter that they want me to be. I love them more now than before. Because I saw the flaws, parents are human being, just like me. They are not perfect. And I love them regardless. I hope they can see the human in me, with all the defects, and love me regardless too.

The City of Thousand Memories

2006-04-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

It will only going to be less than two hours transit. Hardly enough time to do anything. But it's been three years now since the last time she stepped her foot in that city.

It's late already. The sun had set. As the plane land, she crane her neck to have a better view of the city. She couldn't help but remember. Flood of memories rushing in.

Her first place on her own, the curry puff she usually bought for breakfast, the crazy people she became friend with, the club hoping, her fave irish pub (Finnigan, see... she still remember the name after all that time), her routine morning trip to the tower (sometime half running, cursing why the meeting set at such an early time), her first time having a mobile, the first time she realize how much she hate her mobile averytime it rang (cos more often than not it brought problems that need to be solve, it felt like the mobile imprison her), her first time wearing a dress (a long black sleeveless backless dress that made her felt sexy for the first time in her life), her first time having people reporting to her, her first time having a real responsibility with real impact if she screw up, the first time she try to cook for someone else (and accepting the fact that she may never become a good cooker).

Her first love, her first kiss, her first time making love.

All the laughs. All the tears.

She didn't know what expression her face wore that moment but it made the woman sitting next to her asking what's wrong? are you okay?. She try to smile and look at the kind woman. Nothing, she said, it just the ghost of my past.

Another Trip

2006-04-06T15:52:00.000+08:00

My France visa is finally done (pheuh...).

Racing with time, I was afraid I won't make it. I only got the notification to go to Paris one day before I'm leaving for my vacation. And if I wait till my vacation end before I apply the visa, considering it'll take 3 weeks to process, there's no way I'll get it in time.

So there I was, sending back my passport as soon as I arrived to my destination, being 'illegal' almost my whole vacation period, travel domestic flight in Australia without any acceptable form of identification (a miserable excuse of smiling and point to my KTP: "hope you can read Indonesian, Sir. Please don't throw me away from your plane!"), and get my passport the day before I have to travel back to Jakarta (part of me kind of wish that the passport won't come back in time so I have valid excuse to extend my vacation - but somehow I have the feeling that my boss won't appreciate it much).

All the risk of being stranded in foreign country without passport, just so I can go to this workshop for two days. Think I'll spend more time travelling than actually being in Paris. Was seriously considering of staying there for an extra day, but somehow didn't really feel like going around in one of the most romantic city alone. Man... I'm definitely getting more boring each day. The old me will jump around in excitement for that.

But I really do exciting about this workshop. THAT, and not Paris, is why I choosed all that troubles. Does that qualify me as pathetic corporate bitch? :) But on my defense, It's not everyday someone get the opportunity to be involve in setting the 'vision' in his/her workplace.

Back Again

2006-04-03T18:19:00.000+08:00

Hi Baby,

So here I am, here again. Far away from you. Again.

Sorry if I seemed to rush trying to go boarding yesterday. It just felt like I couldn't contain the tears anymore. And your 'five more minutes please' make my eyes more watery. Of course I still cried like a fool in the gate, wetten your shirt (guess all those times, still didn't train me to reserve myself). There's too much pain in goodbye.

I went to autopilot after that. Block my feeling, refuse to let me sense anything. In those hours of travelling, I just give focus on one thing. Finishing my Grisham's "The Broker" book. I guess the book is not too bad, but to be honest, I couldn't really enjoy it. I just read it as flow of informations. Fact after fact leading to another fact. I didn't try to savour how the character buing built, tha flow of the story, the beauty of the words choice, or anything. It just a tool to occupy my mind. Distract me from the fact that I was flying, further and further away from you. Do you know that I manage to finish that fat book in less than six hours?

The first few days are always the hardest, hon. Especially at night since I couldn't find my escape in work which keep my mind away from you on day time. I miss having your warm body next to me. Your arms cradling me. I miss waking up in the morning with you. Your morning hugs with your morning breath. And yes, I even miss your farts.

Thank you for our wonderful two weeks together, darling. And also for the trip to meet your dad. Him and his wife and the two cats and the dog and the two horses, they are all just so wonderful. Make me feel welcome to your family. And make me feel more guilty that it couldn't be that way from my side.

I miss you so much already, baby. And it's only just one day passing by. My only consolation is that I don't have to wait that long to see you again. Two or three months might seems like ages to other couples, but comparing to our normal six months rotation, what a gift it is for us.

I love you.

B

Runaway

2006-03-22T11:34:00.000+08:00

So here I am. A runaway. Torn between pleasure and guilt. How come something feels so right and so wrong in the same time.

But, every single minute with my love one is precious. A very very rare moment indeed. They said, good girls go to heaven, naughty girls go everywhere. So hell, let me forget my guilt for a while. It's time for fun!

Title: King's Park.
For some reason Blogger (Hello) won't show the full size of this picture :(

Big Fat Liar

2006-03-15T18:48:00.000+08:00

Well... I'm not that big. Not that fat. But I'm definitely a liar.

I really am not proud of that. So I tried to do 'the right thing' and told the truth. Hope for understanding. But I learn the hard way that truth is sometime to harsh to surface. To painful to handle. It maybe 'the right thing' but I think it's probably not 'the right time'. And I cowardly run back and hide behind my lie.

I don't know know anymore of right or wrong. I only know that I do what I believe is right for me and try with all my power to avoid any harm to the people that I love. And if by that means that I have to live a lie and commit a sin, than so be it.

But God, I'm scared. I keep thinking that my plane will crash or I have a car accident or other bad things while I'm away. And they will have to find out from strangers of my betrayal.

Please God, don't let them know about this. You can punish me in other ways (most of the time the very act of lying have pain me enough), but please, please, don't let them be hurt that way.

[People say they love truth, but in reality they want to believe that which they love is true. Robert J. Ringer]

I'm Sorry, I Couldn't Come

2006-03-04T12:22:00.000+08:00

Today will be the third weekend that I skip my routine visit to my parents place. I could hear myself telling weak excuse to my mum over the phone bout how busy I have been lately (yeah... so busy that I've been in the office since 10am and didn't do jack for the last 2 hours).

I don't know, I guess the fight left a bigger scar than I allow myself to admit. Everytime I remember about that night, when all the ugly words out in the open, tears just fall without me able to control it.

I love my parents, with all my heart. Will always be, no matter what lies between us. I know this act of 'isolating-them-from-my-life' is probably my way of showing them how unhappy I am for the act that they force me to do. And maybe when I can finally make peace with the whole things I can share laughters with them again.

Whatever happen, they're my parents, nothing can change that. Their blood run in my body. God knows I could never make myself leave them no matter how unhappy I am. I know. I tried. I could not do it.

Just for now, I think I need the time for myself. To make peace with myself. That, before I could try to have peace with everything else.

How It All Started

2006-02-18T12:49:00.001+08:00

That Sunday she needed to go to the office. The work never seemed to end. But it’s okay tho, she didn’t mind. The extra works required was easily compensated with her love to the beautiful new city she just moved in. Civilization, that’s the key word. Shopping mall, pretty café lined up the street. It differed so much from her previously dessert-no-one-with-the-right-mind-will-want-to-go workplace.

The office was just across the street from her apartment. She was thinking, will not let herself work too much today. By lunch time, she was already crossing the street back to her place, planning to drop her computer before going out for lunch.

Than, the phone rung. Trouble on the field. The kind that she didn’t have the experience to handle before. She went back to the office and started to work again. Trying to avoid whatever damage may come with the little knowledge she had. She realized that she could have tens of thousands dollars lost if she didn’t succeed. She felt her stomach turning upside-down, her inside melting.

It was almost dark when she’s finally out from the office. Time surely flied fast when you were fire fighting. The job was already on the way by that time. There’s nothing more she could do except waiting for the phone call to let her know the outcome of the job. Her stomach made grumbling noises. She had not eaten the whole day. The appetite was not there but she knew she had to eat. She needed the energy.

The Japanese bistro was just next to her apartment. A cute little place with chairs line up outside so you could watched people walked by. She didn’t feel like sitting alone tho, depress in public. So she ordered the food to go and waited. The place was not busy yet. There’s only one guy sitting down, reading a novel, a glass of beer in the table. She recognized the company’s tag on his neck. Another looser that had to worked on the weekend, she thought. There’s something about the guy, but she couldn’t tell what.

The food arrived. Pretty food in plastic container. She paid the bill, said thanks to the waiter and started to walk out. And as if there’s an outside force she can't control (or maybe her depressed inner self), she stop at that guy table, look straight to his eyes and said something that she never ever do to any stranger before.

“Hi! Do you mind if I sit down and eat my dinner here?”

That night they talked for hours. She did not remember much of the topics. But she remembered thinking that she never felt more comfortable with someone that she just knew. No guided pretence to impress someone. Even the void (accompanied by beers and long island ice tea) was comfortable with no force feeling to fill in the gap.

He waited with her until the phone rang to tell that the job went ok. But she somehow knew, that night she got something more than a job done. She didn't know what it was at that time. She didn't know yet, that at that night, she found love.

It was all started with a HI to a complete stranger. Who would have thought we last for four years darling. I love you like I never love anyone else before. I want you in my live forever. Happy anniversary honeybum. (posted 1 day late :)

From Him

2006-02-14T14:01:00.000+08:00

Below is taken from his email. I know it won't win any writing award anywhere, but it surely win my heart. Bear in mind, this is coming from a guy who be the first to claim that he's not romantic, no-sugar-coating-straight-forward kind of guy, and think that Homer Simpson is the ideal role model.

You know there was something I wanted to tell you, something very simple. I was going to wait for the 17th but today as good a day as any :)

Its not entirely original but:

You could write your name in the sand and the waves could wash it away.
You could write your name in the sky with a plane, but the wind could blow it away.
You chose 4 years ago to write your name in my heart, where it shall stay forever.

I love you darling.

This kind of thing is what give me the strength to carry on through the rough patches ahead of us. Btw, 17th February is the day that we first met. But that's a whole other story to tell.

On Meditation (2)

2006-02-07T16:49:00.003+08:00

Recap on my January habit, after 3 or 4 attempts of meditation, I decided that it's not meant for me. Least not now. I'm not proud of myself for not able to commit on the first thing I promise myself to do on 2006, but I'm honest enough to admit that and not make myself do something that doesn't really fit me.

I think I'm too edgy to have my butt not moving for 20 minutes or so. And I realize that every day, I have my own ritual where I am in peace with myself. It's in my first cup of coffee in the morning while gazing out from the office window. Slowly sipping the black liquid, feeling the bitter taste awaken my senses. It may not be the same as meditating, but it's close enough for me for now. Maybe later I can do the meditation. When I'm older... and wiser... and my butt can sit tight longer :)

So... 12 habits count: out 1, in 0, 11 more to go.

The Day After The Storm

2006-02-01T14:18:00.000+08:00

It's like the day after the storm pass.

Have you been in a storm? When the rain pounding and the wind blew so hard you can feel the chill to your bone? When everything is so dark and the waters seem to have it's own soul destroying anything dare to stand in its way. And you wonder will it ever end. You're not sure if you can get out of it alive, unscanted.

It's like the day after the storm pass.

When you can feel the sun bathe you face. You take a deep breath taking in the smell of the earth being washed. You look out the window, knowing the harm is done. You can feel the sorrow inside, mourning for the lost. And yet you feel grateful for just being able to breath. You know the damage cannot be undone but you can always try to fix it.

Today, it feels like the day after the storm pass. There might be more storm to come. You never know. But you know, like this one too, it will pass. It will all pass.

Fuck!!!

2006-01-30T18:13:00.000+08:00

The weight feels so heavy on her shoulder. It was shocked that first register. Than anger. Than intense pain. Than fear. She never like conflict. Her whole life she lived a sheltered life. Sure there were problems. But nothing so significant to rock her little world. Which now feels like it's crumbling over.

The pain had somewhat numb. The hours spent on crying. Swollen eyes. Drying tears. They probably do the trick. It's fear now. And anger. That mostly ruling her mind.

The fear, she understand it. She was brought up in fear. It's part of the culture, they said. Fear of not finishing her meal or the devil will come. Fear of not doing her homework so the teacher will punish. Fear of not being a good daughter and disappoint the parent. Now, it's the fear of loosing what she hold dear the most. The people that hold her past, raised her to make her what she is now. And the person that hold her future, sharing the rest of her life with. How does one suppose to choose? Past or Future? Will one be significant enough without the other? Will a person feel complete with just having one?

The anger, how it fright her. She feels it burning in her heart. Uncontrollable. Tear down anything the fire touch. It consume her. The self destruction she know is happening. The chain cigarettes. The black smoke eating her lungs. Alcohol suddenly become a needed constant company. The poison filling her kidney. She know damn well it's destroying her. That's the whole purpose for her. Somehow the destruction done by herself completes the destruction coming from outside. A total punishment. Something she felt she deserved.

And she know with time the anger will grow. She can feel the seeds growing already. She fear the day when she hate everything. Hate everyone. She fear the day when she can't forgive. Can't forget.

It's a dark dark place. She never feel more alone.

Crossroad

2006-01-30T14:24:00.000+08:00

The last few days have been exceptionally hard. I don't even know how to write it. It's pain beyond pain. Fear beyond fear. And I'm in awe with a new understanding of what one person is capable of. It's something unknown, specially during emotional moment, maybe even to the person itself, not to mention others.

How could a dad choose between his principle and his daughter. How could a woman choose between her husband and her daughter. How could a daughter choose between her parents and her lover. How could a man choose between his lover and his principle.

How could I ever choose. It's pain beyond pain. It's fear beyond fear.

On Meditation (1)

2006-01-18T09:59:00.000+08:00

Progress on my new project, so far so so lah.

I'm having a hard time to increase my now-5min meditation time. Night time turned out to be not good for a very stupid reason, I'm scared that if I got 'intouch' with my 'inner self', when I open my eyes, I will find errr... 'something' (x-file background music on...). I know it's sooo silly and unreasonable, but it's difficult to concentrate if you have constant urge to peek to make sure that nothing's there.

So morning is all I got. The problem is, I'm not a morning person. My morning usually hectic and chaotic, juggling between my excercise, watching tv, breakfast, and preparing myself to go. So 5 minutes of meditating is all that I can seem to squeeze in.

I guess I have to try waking up earlier... Yuck! Long way to go to 20 minutes.

JANUARY Habit

2006-01-16T11:14:00.000+08:00

Deciding a new habit turns out to be trickier than I thought. Should I aim high or low. Should it be for the body or the soul. Should it be simple or complex.

Thinking... thinking... thinking... At the end, inspired by this article in Time, I decided to make a 20 minutes a day meditation part of my daily ritual. Direct quote from the writing, "meditation directly affects the function and structure of the brain, changing it in ways that appear to increase attention span, sharpen focus and improve memory". The article did said 40 minutes of meditation, but starting in moderate pace seems to be what's best for me.

So last weekend, I bought a meditation book from QB and a meditation CD music. This morning I did a 5 minutes session. Didn't feel any focus getting sharper or memory getting improve (proven by me forgetting to grab a banana for breakfast on my way out). But maybe it's because my grey matter need a higher dose of meditation before any of that effects reach me.

New Year Resolution!

2006-01-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

My favorite new year resolution always goes into something like... I will lose X kg of weight this year. Year after year, instead of losing, I always end up gaining a bit more :p Among other resolution were to quit smoking (not fully yet, but definitely not as much as before), to learn photography (bought the SLR camera, but always end up taking it in automatic mode instead of manual), to learn Spanish (still limited to buenos dias and gracias), getting married in 2005 (yeah right!!!), and so on.

So looking back at my disgraceful line of failing hope, I had decided not to have any this year. But I change my mind (see... even my resolution of not having resolution fail!) Now, I decided to try a new style of resolution.

Change one in one month.

I will focus my energy to one specific habit mine every month. At the end of that month, hopefully it will become an effortless part of me. And by the end of 2006, hopefully, I will have 12 new habits that make me a better person.

I will make a post in beginning of each month, deciding on what new habit I want to adopt. And maybe some other post here and there to update the progress.

So now that it begins...

Cheers!!!

2006-01-02T11:02:00.000+08:00

For the promise of loving myself more and hating myself less.
For the promise to remember to take a deep deep breath every now and than.
For the promise to appreciate more the little things that life offer.

That's all that I wish for myself in 2006.

Jakarta's Sky

2005-12-28T10:42:00.000+08:00

The past few months I’ve been having problem in sleeping. It didn’t used to be that way tho. My bedtime, embarassingly speaking, was usually at around 9.30 or 10 pm. Not that much different from little kid :) Coming back tired from office, shower, maybe dinner, and off me go to bed. I love the temporary comfort that sleep is giving me, escaping from real world.

But somehow I lost my reverie. I spend a lot of time looking outside my window till late hours now. And I start to notice something that I actually already knew before.

Jakarta has no real star. All that building lights blind the naked eyes and hide the stars. So I stop looking up and beginning to observe the city down below. It’s amazing, you know. The lights. I like to think that each light represents an active action somewhere in the dark nights.

They have become my new constellation.

Right outside my bedroom window, lying in my bed, I could see one of the many building in Casablanca road. It has a big dome on top. In some nights, they have all the lights on. Yellowish on top, mixed of bluish green below.

And that, is my new moon.

But nothing beat a clear cloudless sky with millions of stars twinkiling and the white moon smiling. Sometime I miss those desert nights. When nothing stand in the way blocking my view. Just me and the sky.

BANG!

2005-12-26T10:34:00.000+08:00

When your car got hit, it's amazing how your brain worked in its quirky little way. The moment I felt the crash when the two metal bodies met, first thing that pop was 'damn, that idiot hit us' followed by 'wish i ate that chocolate'.

No connection between the first thought and the second one. I told you my brain works in a quirky way.

It was pissing rain with heavy wind and all. We're in the highway on the way back to Jakarta from Bandung. The front car hit the brake and fortunately my dad stop the car on time. But not the person driving the car behind us. Fortunately (I'm javanese, and we always, ALWAYS, say fortunately in ALL occasion, no matter how bad things are), my dad still press the car break so the force didn't make multiple crash.

The rear end of the car was badly dented. The luggage door couldn't be open. The damage on the car that hit us are far worst. I'm just grateful no one got hurt.

Unanswered

2005-12-18T17:53:00.000+08:00

She looked at the eudora screen anxiously. Waiting till the progress bar hit full and the "you've got mails" message pop. Rolling down the scroll bar, scanning each line carefully.

That email was unanswered.

She felt out of breath. She didn't realize she was holding her breath during the whole process. But the pain didn't seem to come from lacking of oxygen. She was surprised that it hurts. It's not like she's expecting to find the answer anyway. At least that's what she's been trying to tell herself. To kill her hope. What a stupid hope. It's so stubborn and naive.

And stupid her. She's still waiting.

Weary Wings

2005-12-15T15:45:00.000+08:00

A leisure conversation in coffee shop with my boss...

Hey, think you'll be out of here next year.
Eh???
Yap, was talking to the big boss, he said once somebody outside agree to take your position, than you'll be transfer out
....

Happy. Sad. Confuse. Don't know what to say. Don't know how to react.

It used to be ok with me. No no... it used to be fantastic. To move around places like nomad. 5 different location, 3 different country, 5 years of working. And hey, that used to be fun. Bags packed, ticket plane in hand, and off me go to see the world.

It used to mean excitement. Going to new places, meeting new people, getting to know new culture. It used to mean adventure! A new challenge! Something to give me the 'kick'!

Was... Used to...

Not anymore.

I don't know what it means to me now. After the conversation, panic feeling began to seep in me. My personal life is currently in so much mess and a move will definitely going to complicate more. I would prefer to stay put for a while and have my live sort out. But I'm afraid the opportunity will pass. God knows how my other colleagues will be happy to fill in my slot to go.

Something I realize while I writing this. I think my panic is driven by the fear of starting new live from scratch with not even one single familiar face to turn to. It didn't used to bother me much before. But now, I feel like I don't have the energy to do that again. Least not alone.

I'm tired of flying. The sky seems to lost it's magic. I just want to rest my weary wings. And settle down.

To Change

2005-11-27T18:43:00.000+08:00

One copy of identification, one piece of Rp6000 government stamp, two pieces of 3x4 photograph, two pieces of 4x6 photograph.

Two sentences.

I was shock first time I heard it. That's it? Gosh, it's even simpler than making driving license. Well, at least from administration point of view. In your heart, I know it's a struggle. And I'm so sorry Dear, for making you go through it one day.

Private Performer

2005-11-23T16:40:00.000+08:00

Your Blogging Type Is the Private Performer

Your blog is your stage - with your visitors your adoring fans. At least, that's how you write with your witty one liners. And while you like attention, you value your privacy.You're likely to have an anonymous blog - or turn off comments.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

PS: Had nothing better to do to kill time while wasting corporate money. So I did this little quiz I found when browsing. While being skeptical that four questions suppose to enough to 'capture' my blogging personality, surprisingly the description is quite close to my own perception. Hey, maybe I am that easy to guess. Well, except the part about adoring fans. What fan??? :)

Lost of The Ring

2005-11-14T12:14:00.000+08:00

I lost my ring last night :_( Well... to be more precise, I lost my ring sometime between Saturday morning and Sunday night but just realized it on Sunday night when I was about to go to sleep. I immediately went to panic mode and tore down my apartment upside down looking for it for no avail. My only hope is that I lost it somewhere in my apartment and somehow I'll find it again. But if it was lost somewhere outside... :( Stupid me. I didn't even notice it till last night. It was a bit loose lately and instead of putting it on my ring finger, I should've put it on my middle finger.

I love that baby so much. The only jewelry I can stand wearing beside my little button earring (which I wear just so the earring hole won't close down). It's a puzzle ring I bought 2 years ago as a reminder of a special event dear to me.

I really hope I can find it again :( Except for wedding ring, it's the only ring that I ever want. I don't even care for diamond engagement ring (am not a believer on the whole engagement thingy, if you want to get married, than just do it. why waste money and time doing something halfway). Anyway, since I have no clue when will my boyfriend ever want to give me the wedding ring (has always secretly hope that he will ask me to go shopping for wedding ring everytime we pass jewelry store, but of course that never happen and I always end up feeling like a looser), I guess I will be ringless for the time being :( My hand feels naked.

Congratulation You Moron!

2005-11-07T15:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, when flipping the tv's channel, I overheard a comment that freeze my finger. It's one of those gossip let's-try-to-butt-on-celebrities-life-cos-my-own-life-suck show, the ever so popular type of tv show in Indonesia. It was commenting on the new draft that our wonderful creative reps in parliament suggested on the 50K USD bond that every expat men have to deposit prior to marrying Indonesian woman. Just how someone can be so idiotically cruel to come out with the idea claiming it's to protect Indonesian women but do the exact opposite thing is beyond me.

Anyway, back to the gossip show. The reporter was commenting on the increasingly fashionable trend of celebrity women marrying expat men. And the rational reason behind it, according to that as's'tounding reporter, is so they can have ‘indo’ kids (kids from multiracial married), generally consider as good looking, so that they can have a good career in the acting/ music career by depending on their face/ body even with minimum talents.

Wow, such a mind-blowing conclusion. So congratulation to whoever makes the script on that SCTV’s gossip show. You have successfully given the word MORON a new meaning. Now go back to your pre-historical dickhead cave where you belong.

PS: I have tried to calm myself since yesterday. I know I shouldn't let myself becoming too emotional on crap like this. But whoever have the heart to make that kind of cruel comment definitely does not know the pain that most Indonesian women, celebrity or non-celebrity, face marrying to non-Indonesian men when it comes to kids. Knowing that no matter what, your own kid, the one that grew in Indonesian women womb, is not permitted, under any circumstances, tobecome Indonesian citizen. An outcast in your own country. It's not easy. It's definitely not glamorous. Our own government making life hell to everybody involve. And to have that kind of painful reality twisted into such a venomous-as-long-as-it-sell crap, hurts even more.

You Wish

2005-11-02T09:26:00.000+08:00

It's another big fight. The same old problem. And you wonder why you keep moving in circle. Round and round and round. End meet beginning. You going no where.

You used to be so naive thinking that love is strong enough to bind two world together. Cross the country border, cross the cultural difference, cross the religion belief. And now that you have learn more, you can't believe how you stupid you were before.

You start to hate the legal regulation, made by morons who suppose to serve the people but do the exact opposite things. You start to doubt your belief, old and new ideas flying around and crashing in your mind. Turning your brain to mush.

You wish that life can be as simple as you used to know. But there's no turning back. You know you've got no one to blame but yourself.

It's Not You, It's Me

2005-10-17T13:59:00.000+08:00

I hope I'm not a disappointment for you dad. It's not that I tried to be different than you, it just happen. I wish I can see the world from your eyes. But I can't. It's not because you and mum didn't teach me well. I know you guys have give me the best part of yourself to me. But my already contaminated brain and heart won't allow me to be what you want.

I hope I'm not a disappointment for you mum. Part of me want to be your little girl forever. Part of me want you to always taking care of me and I know how that bring you joy. But a bigger part of me needs to be free. A meaner part of me needs to be left alone and do whatever, whenever, and wherever. Even if it's against what you thought me.

I'm trying to be a good daughter and make you happy but I don't think I did a very good job on that. I am selfish enough not to want to sacrifice my personal life. I don't expect you to understand me. I just wish that you will never shut me off from your live. That someday, you'll have peace on the person I have become.

Please don't ever blame yourself. It's not you, mum. It's not you, dad. It's me.

Bite Me!

2005-08-16T13:19:00.000+08:00

I think I'm trying to get myself fired. See, I have this procrastinating disease. Specially on things that I don't like. And since at the moment I don't really like my job, I've been postponing stuffs knowing that it will bite me in the ass eventually. Hmmm... curious how far I can push this (self-destructive mode on).

We Might As Well...

2005-08-13T10:46:00.000+08:00

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well be strangers

[Keane - We Might As Well Be Strangers]

The Probability of God

2005-07-26T17:58:00.000+08:00

I love numbers. I love numbers since my school year for the simple reason that I only need to understood the concept to make them dance for me. That's a much much better option than trying to remember 36 'butir' Pancasila (God, was I the only one having such a miserable time trying to memorize it? Do they still teach that at school nowadays? Did that make the corrupted policemen and politician think twice before they did the evil?).

Anyway, I used to be very good at Math. Used to. Until calculator and computer corrupted my already slow brain. Now I'm struggling to multiply 2 digit numbers in my head. But my love for numbers never die. The beauty of how they can simplify life still amaze me sometime. But I would never imagine that numbers can be used to answer THE mankind question of the centuries "Does God exist?"

Which was the reason why I bought this book by Stephen D. Uwin, The Probability of God: A Simple Calculation That Proves The Ultimate Truth. He's trying to use the lingua franca to solve the eternal debate between the Believer and Non-Believer. Now I'm a sceptic by birth. And I don't think that a book that fall under category of 'religion' AND 'humor' can be THAT enlightenment. But I love the idea of someone being brave enough to marry 'faith' and 'science' so I give it the benefit of a doubt and decide to give it a try.

I just finished chapter one and I have to admit that I enjoyed his light humorous way in describing something that suppose to be serious. Let see what I feel after finish reading it. Anyone want to accompany me reading the book?

The Upside of Anger

2005-07-25T10:13:00.000+08:00

Anger and resentments can stop you in your track. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real tho. The fury. Even when it isn't. It can change you, turn you, mold you and shape you into someone you're not.

The only upside of anger than... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realize that they're not afraid of its journey. Someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits. And in its wakes, leaves a new chance of acceptance. And the promise of calm.

(Movie Excerpt : The Upside of Anger - 2005)

Sands... Everywhere

2005-06-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

Title : Sands Ride
Photograper : Sanity INC
Subject : Desert Safari - Sand Dune Ride
Location : Dubai - 2005

Yesterday, I was on one of the best tour I've ever had. It started with a 4WD ride through mazes of sand dunes in the middle of Emirate's dessert. The mad driver took us up and down and side ways in any possible angle. The sands shifted beneath the tires and it felt like the car could roll over any seconds. It was the best 'roller coaster'ride for me.

Than I drove one of those little buggy cart, racing through the mini sand dunes yard. After struggling in the first minute and almost hit the fence, I was finally able to control the little bugger and worked my way to the fun fun fun fun fun... :) I felt like 10 years old again, riding my first boom-boom car (remember one of those?). Only this time there's no banging, just sands flying around and made my eyes go red.

The mad driver than took us to this Beudoin camp where they served arabic coffee (I didn't really like the taste), had a camel ride (the bumpiest part was actually trying to get to and off the camel back), had a BBQ dinner (kebab, yummy...), and belly dancing (I can't help thinking on the contrast of having the whole 'aurat' cover and the clothes those belly dancer wear). I also had henna painting on my left hand.

It was such a fun experience, definitely will make one of the top favourite tour for me. Kind of make thing even with the fact that I now need to read this 500+ pages of text book to complement the course (yawning already now)

15 is enough

2005-04-17T11:24:00.000+08:00

It's confirm. 15 minutes is a long enough period to torture your own body. I've tried this video workout focusing on building the buns muscles, and now two days after doing those seemingly endless squat, it still hurt me just to sit on the toilet seat. My poor body.

Day Dreaming

2005-04-16T15:17:00.000+08:00

Ever since my partner and I decided that we will get married early next year, I have been trying to picture the perfect wedding day. I always consider wedding as only a legal requirement, force by the society even to those who don't care much of it. But hey, if we have to do it, might as well try to enjoy it, right?

I dream to have a simple and private wedding. In Bali :) Imagine this... the akad nikah (wedding vow) in a gazebo, the sea site as background. The sun about to set and the sky is burning red. The gentle breeze that carry the smell of the sea. Everything is decorated in white flowers. I'll be wearing a white kebaya. My partner can wear whatever he wants, even shorts :) We'll be surrounded only by immediate families and close friends (I will hate big party with hundreds of unknown faces who I don't even care). We will all have dinner together. Buffet food, standing party (no flimsy dinner set course on the table). There will be this trio acoustics, with the guitar and banjo and percussion, going around playing fun romantic songs. I can even hear the music in my head now.

I have been searching the web for some options. There's wedding package in the villa, which I like more since it's more secluded. And there's wedding package in the hotel, which will be a more practical option since none of us actually reside in Bali. They're quite pricey too specially considering that it will come from our own pocket (we don't want to take money from our parents for the wedding). I don't know also how my parents going to handle this idea, getting married outside Jakarta, away from all their relatives and colleagues. I know it may sound selfish for the eldest child to force her wish to her parents on how to celebrate her wedding day, but whose wedding is it anyway?

Oh well, a girl can always dream.

STOP!

2005-04-04T16:18:00.000+08:00

I need to stop. I can't, I don't want to, take another step in this maze road. I tried, God knows I've tried. But my energy is depleted. No more...

Let's sit down together, let us be brave and talk about it, so we can get some sense of direction before continuing this journey. Please.

For You

2005-02-17T18:35:00.000+08:00

I don't know if 2 years and 21 days has qualify me as an expert on long distance relationship. Maybe not. But I sure am familiar with the emotional roller coster of of being separated with the one person that matter the most in my life. If you can only meet for 1-2 weeks every 6 months or so, you learn to value the time being spend together. Every. Single. Second. The long waiting and the short meeting. The up and down of meeting and saying goodbye again and again and again. The untouched hand. The empty hugs. The unkissed lips. The untold stories. The unshared time.

But darling, no matter how the pain tear my heart apart, everytime I look into your eyes, I know you worth every bit of it.

Happy 3rd Anniversary, hon.

Hiatus

2005-01-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

A long slumber...

I'd like to say that I spent those time contemplating on the past year and preparing myself facing the new year. But truth be told, I was just too confused to write down any of my thoughts.

Than disaster struck.

It tips the balance of my already tipsy world. My deepest condolences to those in lost. I'm speechless. No words could ever do justice in describing the horrific situation that they are facing. And I'm struck by the obvious fact that I had choose to ignore before.

We own NOTHING.

We're carrying a borrowed body, wearing those borrowed wealth, together with those who won't stay with us forever, on this short borrowed time. We, mortal human being, own NOTHING.

So what's the whole purpose of this 'renting' life we have? IS THERE such thing as purpose of life? I don't know if I ever be able to answer that question. But if there is something that I can learn from all this ordeal, I want to keep on remembering this...

Life is too short and I want to be grateful for every second I have. I want to live life to the fullest.

Home, At Last

2004-12-06T09:02:00.000+08:00

Standing here, in Changi's free internet boot, I'm waiting for the last flight of this long journey. Considering that I only slept for 3 hours in the last 48 hours, cramp like a tuna fish in such a small space, I strangely feel fresh. I would've dance arond the airport it it weren't for the security guy that keep eyeing me suspiciously.

Finally, home... at last.

AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!

2004-11-29T11:35:00.000+08:00

AAARRGGGGHHH!!! That's it. I give up. I could not, just can not, do any work tonight. I've been sitting in my computer for hours now, trying to conjure up something resembling work, and it just won't work. Instead I spend those time blogging, surfing the web, peeking on the TV, nibble this stupid beef jerky... anything but work. That's it. I decide that I will quit trying tonight. I know I should've finished some work this weekend but I just don't have the heart to do it. It's holiday for God sake and I deserve a much needed time off too. I will not waste my time feeling guilty anymore about my non-accomplishment this weekend. I will just going to enjoy whatever time left. If I have to bust my butt next week to catch up, than so be it.

Red Rocks

2004-11-29T10:03:00.000+08:00

I had a wonderful non-productive four days. Thanks to the Thanksgiving holiday, I didn't have to show my face to the office which I take it as revenge for the Ied holiday that I had to skip this year.

I slept too much, I ate like a pig, I wasted too much money on shopping for things that I don't really need, I watched too much crap on TV, and I manage to go for a tour round the city and the mountain.

The highlight of the tour for me is definitely the Red Rocks Park, an open-air Amphitheatre where two monoliths (Ship Rock and Creation Rock) provide acoustic perfection. It seems that most of my favourite musician had perform there. You name it, Dave Matthews Band (they even have a CD from their concert there), Santana, Sting, REM, Blues Traveller, Bryan Adams, and many others Who's Who in music industry. Even The Beatles performed there on 1964.

Title : Red Rocks Park & Amphiteatre
Photograper : Sanity INC
Location : Rocky Mountain, CO - Nov 2004

I know that I should've read these piling literature, I should've done someting with my presentation, I should've finish those much needed file. But of course I've done none of it. I don't know when I will ever become a productive and effective human being. Sigh... that will become my next year resolution (again).

But hey, least now I have more memories about my staying in this place outside of my hotel room and office cubicle.

THAT WAY -->

2004-11-25T00:47:00.000+08:00

I was watching a show about Seinfeld (the person and the show) on the Biography Channel. Do you know that Jerry Seinfeld knew he wanted to become a comedian since he was 8 years old? EIGHT YEARS OLD... WOW! Doesn't it amaze you that some people have such a clear dream in life? How they focus all their energy and passion to achieve that very goal?

While me, I feel like standing in a very messy crossroads and I don't know which road to take. I wonder if God already has a planned road for each one of us to take on our walk of life. If yes, well I hope I find my way soon cause I have no clue what so ever. It would be a lot easier if there is a big neon road sign blinking

"THAT WAY -->"

giving me a clear direction of where I should be heading to. Yeah right, like life is ever that simple :)

Or what if there is no such thing as designated road for each of us? What if we need to make our own road, create our own destiny? Will God than be asking too much to mankind?

Missing You

2004-11-17T20:28:00.000+08:00

I'm trying so hard not to pick up the phone and dial your number. I know you will be in your office at the moment and I hate to bother you at work. A rule that unfortunately I broke too many time already. And what can I said to you anyway? How can I describe the hollowness in my stomach and the way my heart ache like there's two giant hand squeezing it? Will you understand? Do you feel that way too?

I miss you so much. Always been, but never before reach this stage. Now it start to hurt me physically as well as mentally. My hands cramped for wanting to reach you, hug you and touch you. I try to be strong, but even energizer bunny will run out of battery eventually. I feel so empty and worn out. And I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

"Lonely is a funny thing. It's almost like another person. After a while, it'll keep you company if you'll let it" [Ann Packer - The Dive from Clausen's Pier]

Home Sick

2004-11-16T02:55:00.000+08:00

Title : The Nose
Photograper : Sanity INC
Subject : Beechcraft Nose on the Propeller Nose
Location :Somewhere on top white montain range - 2004

The Beechcraft 1900D was full. It was such a small plane, I was having problem to put my foot with my bag pack under the seat. And I'm actually a small girl, least compare to most of the people that share the plane with me. I can't pretend to be excited about the trip in the beginning. It's starting winter and they already have snow 3 weeks ago. Being a tropical girl, my body don't like the cold weather very much.

I've been in this small city for 1 week now. I began to appreciate the barren rocky view that surround me. All the trees look naked and even the bushes look white. I had my first snow fall last Friday and made my first snow ball. The guy that I work with teased me, saying that the last time he saw someone making her first snow ball was when he was two years old.

I celebrate my "Ied Fitri" alone, in a place 6100 ft above sea level and 14711 km away from home. I can't remember ever being away from my family during this time of the year. Never have I feel more homesick.

I want to go home.

Baby BOOM!

2004-11-06T07:17:00.000+08:00

This year, the hot topic for people around me is definitely BABY. Either from people in the office, or friends outside of work environment, everybody seems to be expecting baby soon. Some have been waiting for quite some time, others are newlywed and could not wait to experience the parenthood. And I couldn't be more happier for them.

Being a parent, must be one of the toughest responsibility a human being can get in lifetime. Imagine, having that much power in someone life. That big of impact in shaping one character. I know that I owe my parents practically everything that I am now and no words could ever express my gratitude to them.

And I can't help but wondering, why is that motherhood instinct have not kick in me yet. I'm 26 years old and I can't imagine myself having a baby any time soon. Am I normal? One of my friend from uni already has 3 kids. THREE... and I can't even imagining to have one.

It's funny that my boyfriend and I have talked so many time about what kind of cat we will get after we married. What color, how many, male/female, and all that kind of silly stuff. And as far that I can remember, our conversation about kids only occurred once. And that's, "hmmm... and I think we'll have kids one day".

The thing is, my idea of parenthood is based on my experience with my parents. And they have set the bar HIGH. I don't know if I ever can be THAT committed to another human being. I mean, you're talking to a girl who can't even keep her Tamagochi alive :( I don't know... maybe I'm still too selfish to be able to put someone in higher priority than me.

And I'm In love...

2004-10-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

Five weeks down, five more weeks to go. Yap... I officially survived the first half of the torture. The class session just finished yesterday and for someone that came unprepared with brain as clean as a baby butt, to be 2nd on the class is not a bad achievement. All and all, this have been the most interesting and rewarding course that I ever have. Because, for the first time in my four working years, I finally fall in love with the industry that I'm in. I finally made up my mind that yes, I want to build career and retired in this business.

It may seems pathetic that it took me this long to decide but it has not been an easy decision. Or maybe I am just thick :) See, I spent my time studying in university only to realized on the last year that I did not want to work in the field that I'm studying. It was not that I know what I want to do, I just know what I did not want to do. So when I graduated, I was lost. I grab whatever job oportunity infront of me, as long that it has nothing to do with what I studied.

I spent the last four years working and learning from scratch, in a complete new industry for me. It has not been a bad experience. As anything in life, there were up and down. But during those time, I keep wondering if it's what I really want to do. Or did I just take myself out from one hell into another hell. You see, I don't want to end up like those people that work only to meet month end. I want to LOVE my work. Yes, LOVE, with all the lightheaded, knotcrunchingstomach, fireworkblasting kind of love.

If work going to take up 50% or more of my waking hours, I sure want to do something that can give me enjoyment and satisfaction.

And now, finally, I have that feeling in my heart.

When Do You Know When It's Becoming Too Much?

2004-10-25T09:19:00.000+08:00

How do you know the boundaries of asking someone to do something? How do you know when it's becoming 'too much to ask'?

And how do you handle 'no', when 'yes' is the answer that you really yearn.

God, wish life is not this complicated.

One Quick Summary

2004-10-14T00:22:00.000+08:00

In the blogging world, I have one very VERY bad unforgivable habit. I don't write when things are happening. Which does not make any sense in being a good writer. The logic is : Event --> Stories --> Interesting Blog. No event --> No stories --> Boring Blog. Since I usually write when nothing is happening, I guess not much can be said about this blog quality :)

It's been almost TWO MONTHS since my last post. And I'm trying to capture those time as short as possible.

My Love visit (after 6 long months of waiting), tour to Bali together, have my B'day with him (ehm... waking up next to him on my B'day is the best present ever :).
Painful goodbye :_( You would've thought that the multiple visit-goodbye has toughen you... nope... the heart still bleed. Found best recipe for goodbye pain tho: 12 hrs non-stop of Sex and The City DVD. Very good for anyone who want to numb the heart and brain.
Panic in preparing for my course. Of course I didn't do the "I-will-study-ahead-of-time-and-will-not-wait-till-last-minute". But, with a bit of 'help', manage to pass my entrance quiz :D
Panic in packing last minute of not only my bag, but my whole entire room (i.e my entire belonging). 'Conveniently' the house rent expired while I'm on the course so I have to pack the whole things and give it to my house mate so he can move them to the new place (which till now is still unknown).
The fcking longest tiring flight I ever had. More than 24 hrs! And that's not even include the transit time on the ground. Change flight for 5 fcking time. Was not happy at all and look as pale as ghost when I arrive.

Now stuck in this place for 2-1/2 weeks already. The first place I've ever see equipped with TORNADO shelter in the building. Not sure if I think that more as 'cool' or 'scarry'.

Sigh... 7-1/2 weeks more to go. And all I want to do is go home and enjoying my mum home cook meal.

Fcking Monsoon and Dhobi Talao

2004-08-24T15:24:00.000+08:00

Title : Dhobi Talao
Photograper : Sanity INC
Subject : Public laundry (I kid you not!)
Location : Mumbai - 2003

I posted the picture before I left, in memory of my last year visit. I was hoping that this visit will be better than before, but unfortunately I came on the wrong season. It's MONSOON season in India now. It f-cking rained every single day I was there. I'm sure people didn't even bother to watch the weather news at that time. So my whole adventure pretty much extend only between the room to 5km radius from the hotel. So much of trying to find Shah Rukh Khan house :(

No new picture taken since I don't want to take my camera in the rain. So I will just going to talk about the picture above. It's a public laundry, the Indian version of Laundromat, I guess. The name is Dhobi Talao, named after a washerman's pond which disappeared before the mid 17th century (if my source is correct).

I wonder if Indonesia has similar kind of set up somewhere.

A 'hello' Test

2004-07-30T10:18:00.000+08:00

Title : Eat My ...

Photograper : Sanity INC

Subject : (choose to remain anonymous)

Location : Perth Zoo - 2004

Been tweaking this 'hello' thingy since yesterday. I've been trying to find out how to post more than 2 picture in 1 single entry. Haven't manage to do it yet, or maybe they just don't support it. But all and all, it is absolutely cool! Hey, have I mention that it's free? (big grin from cheap person :)

Btw, about the above picture, I was aiming that dude for sometime, trying to find the perfect time to snap my camera, and just when I about to hit the button, he turned his back on me. How rude!

And Now That It Has End...

2004-07-29T15:35:00.000+08:00

Seven months ago, I was offered this mission.

Have you ever been in a situation when you were ask to go to the battle field with only a little knife as your weapon, knowing that your enemy have bazooka? It felt like mission impossible and for those who doubt me at that time, I really can't blame them because I have that feeling in me too. And yet, being the crazy me, I took the risk anyway thinking that maybe, just maybe, on the odd chance of one to hundreds, I might succeed.

Yeah right, if only I were Mc Gyver.

So here I am, seven months from that time. Feeling like a looser, I didn't manage to defeat the enemy. There's so many what-if and if-only. I can think of many things that I wish I have done better. But now that it has end, I know that there's nothing more that I can do.

At least I didn't get killed.

Looking back, I have learn so much in this seven months, something that some people might need two years to encounter. Feeling as bad as I am now, I know that the good and bad times in this battle, has made me a better person.

And now... one more day before I leave the battle field.

Ant Marching

2004-06-30T11:22:00.000+08:00

there's got to be more in live
than just being survive

there's got to be more in work
than meet the month end

days in, days out
and I am just another ant marching

God,
let there be more in live than this

Watch Out!!!

2004-06-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

I scratch and I bite
I blow your body away like a kite

I punch and I kick
I stab your neck till you sick

I yell and I scream
I'm worst than any of your dream

Watch out people, stay away
For my self control has slip away
I blame it all to my hormone
That make me feel like a moron

And forgive me God, for all the people that I step over today... and the months before... and the months ahead...

Baby, Ain't No Such Thing As Free Lunch!

2004-06-22T23:20:00.001+08:00

So in the spirit of the birth of my new baby weblog, I have been trying hard to figure out what's the best way to do this blogging thingy. I love my new baby dearly but for one small hiccups. I hate the ad banners on the top side tho I have to admit, it's still tolerable compare to those annoying pop-up ad.

Being me, I became obsessed with the quest of getting rid the ad. So I start searching other weblog provider that is kind enough to provide the tools AND the place to blog, without putting any kind of ad. I didn't really expect to succeed but, to my amazement, I did find one site that do just that. It even host your images for free. I was in a shock mode (mouth open wide) than happy mode (doing little rain dancing, huhahuha!) than confuse mode (hand scratching head). You see, I've been thought by past experience that something that are too good to be true just can not possibly be true. Like God just don't create Jessica Simpson with beautiful body and voice AND giving her Einstein's brain. That will just going to break the law of nature.

Now, I tried googling to find some reasonable explanation, but nothing really satisfied me. Until I stumble to this article. I guess there's no such thing as free lunch anymore. Not these days. So if that little ad banner is the one that 'feeding' my weblog, than so be it.

There Is A Reason, Right?

2004-06-22T16:14:00.000+08:00

(+) Me just concerned whenever you are upset... no matter what the reason. There is a reason, right??
(-) ...

Don't you know, hon, that your question stopped me dead on my track for a moment. How many time have I silently ask that to myself. Do I have reasons for my depression? Is there a cause for my tantrum? Or maybe I'm just a spoiled little brat that so desperately need attention.

Than I took time to contemplate and to see my self objectively. Well... least as objective as one can do to one self. I try to be as honest as possible in admitting my flaws and meanwhile not being so hard on myself.

Well... Most of the time I do have reason for being upset. Some other time I have no clue what so ever what the hell am I upset about. The one that I know the reason, some are silly and insignificant after I think about it for some time. But others are valid. The one that are valid for me, some may not be valid for you. For those that valid for both of us, some I just don't know how to speak it up.

On second thought, self contemplation is crap and I think I'm just babbling to myself :)

The Night My Sanity Flew Out The Window

2004-06-22T00:15:00.000+08:00

This has been one of the night. When my Sanity slipped out of my control and flew out the window. I can see It now, sitting in the tree by the window. Looking at me. Mocking at my despair.

So what a girl have to do in situation like this. I can't just sit here, hopeless. I have to make myself look busy. That maybe, just maybe, It get bored for loosing my attention and will fly back.

Hey, I can pretend to make the so called Weblog that seems to be so popular to so many (in)sane people out there. What a brilliant idea!

For sure it will poke It's curiosity and It just have to come back to check on what I'm doing. Than when It's too engross in reading my brilliant thought, I will grasp It's tail and clap It's wings. I will open my mouth widely, never mind the yelling and the struggling, and than swallow It with one big gulp. I won't open my mouth again in case It will try to escape again. By than I won't have the need to use my mouth anyway because I will have my Weblog to say my thought.

Hey, don't blame me if it doesn't make any sense. Afterall, I am the girl that lost her Sanity.