Fuck!!!

The weight feels so heavy on her shoulder. It was shocked that first register. Than anger. Than intense pain. Than fear. She never like conflict. Her whole life she lived a sheltered life. Sure there were problems. But nothing so significant to rock her little world. Which now feels like it's crumbling over.

The pain had somewhat numb. The hours spent on crying. Swollen eyes. Drying tears. They probably do the trick. It's fear now. And anger. That mostly ruling her mind.

The fear, she understand it. She was brought up in fear. It's part of the culture, they said. Fear of not finishing her meal or the devil will come. Fear of not doing her homework so the teacher will punish. Fear of not being a good daughter and disappoint the parent. Now, it's the fear of loosing what she hold dear the most. The people that hold her past, raised her to make her what she is now. And the person that hold her future, sharing the rest of her life with. How does one suppose to choose? Past or Future? Will one be significant enough without the other? Will a person feel complete with just having one?

The anger, how it fright her. She feels it burning in her heart. Uncontrollable. Tear down anything the fire touch. It consume her. The self destruction she know is happening. The chain cigarettes. The black smoke eating her lungs. Alcohol suddenly become a needed constant company. The poison filling her kidney. She know damn well it's destroying her. That's the whole purpose for her. Somehow the destruction done by herself completes the destruction coming from outside. A total punishment. Something she felt she deserved.

And she know with time the anger will grow. She can feel the seeds growing already. She fear the day when she hate everything. Hate everyone. She fear the day when she can't forgive. Can't forget.

It's a dark dark place. She never feel more alone.