And So My Dad Is An Asshole...

I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment or maybe it's just a slow realization that he just is. An asshole.


At the end, it is what it is. I can't keep fooling myself.


I try to blind myself from it. Make an excuse. Nurture hope that it's just a one off thing that will never gonna happen again. Try to forgive. Forgive and forget. But it's hard to forget when it happen again and again.


At the end, everyone have limit. I can't keep blaming myself.


My dear dad, what is is that make you so unhappy? Does it make you feel better when you blast off your anger and unhappiness to mum? All the words that we swallowed, all the hidden tears that we shed, all the anger that we buried inside. It will never gonna be enough, isn't it?


At the end, we are not slave. We're human being with our own mind and independence.


Enough is enough, dad. If you are man enough you will make a decision. I wish you choose to walk out and spare mum from more grief. There is no point anymore of trying to live together when you're both are so unhappy.


Enough is enough, dad. Please just have the decency to walk out and find your happiness. Rather than blaming everyone around you as the reason of why you're so unhappy. I wish than you know that you can only find happiness inside yourself. We are not the reason of why you can't be happy. As well as I can't blame you from my unhappiness now.


I can now make peace with myself. Release myself from the guilt that somehow I contribute to all this madness. Now I can see that it is what it is.


An insecurity. Unhappiness. Repress anger. Fear. All mask in that face of yours, when you yell at us, those dirty words your mouth utter, those hateful disrespectful things that you do.


I can now make peace with myself. That we are all responsible with what we feel inside ourself. That and only that. I can't control nor help how you think and act, dad. I can't control nor help how you think and act, mum. I wish I could. But I know I can't. It's me and me alone that I can control and help.


I'll be there for you mum. I hope you strong enough to see that it is what it is. I hope you brave enough to make the decision. I hope that you find peace in this storm. I'll stand with you along the way. Hold your hand. Wipe your tears. Just like you did to me when I am a child.


I'll be there for you dad. I may never understand why and how you could do what you did. And I have stop waiting for apology. Respect from me may be gone but you are still my dad. I hope that you find peace in this storm.


I love you both. All I want is for you two to find peace and happiness.