View of The Glass

I'm the-glass-is-half-empty kind of person. My previous posts could easily confirm that. I have a quick read through some of my old posts and some I really would like to delete. But hey, it's a monument of my state of mind. So no matter how embarassing some of them, it's a part of who I was (or still am :).

My dark twisted mind scared me sometime. My boyfriend frequently complain that I always take everything from the lowest gloomiest point of view. Than stamp and bury it even lower. Sad to say, I'm guilty as charge. Like some people get addicted to high core activity, like buggy jumping and speed driving, to pump their adrenalin, I I get high from sorrow. That tight knot in my stomach thinking that something WILL go wrong. I will choose my fave depressing topic of the day, and pound on it over and over, thinking various scenario of how things could go wrong. Sad? Yes. Pathetic? Yes. Like I said, I'm guilty as charge.

I didn't use to be like that tho. Well... least not that bad. I think it got worst over the years due to the fact that over the last five years, I have change. A LOT. Yap, that's in capital words. The whole process is difficult to said the least, and even harder to digest. I feel like I'm loosing my identity and I end up hating myself. Now I'm more in peace with the whole thing. Not to say that I'm there yet, but I have accept it as one long journey. A life long journey. One that I'm wishing not ending soon :)

This is what change in a nut shell (as of today as no one knows what will happen in future):

1. My view on religion
I think that's one of the hardest one to chew. I'm a moslem by birth and had been feed about the do and dont's since my tender age. I will even go further now by calling all religious education as brain wash. I used to think that a good life need a strong religion base. If not that I will surely be burn in hell. Now I see reliogion as something 'questionable'. I don't think bad about Islam nor that I think it's less or more superior compare to other religion. Not at all. I just see so many abuse in religion, unkind action in the name of God, which make me feel apathetic about the whole thing. I know good people and bad people, from all kind of religions and belief, including in those that don't particularly believing in religion at all. So I think at the end of the day, people are just people. With all the potential of good and bad, and that not necessary define by what you believe in.

2. My view on my parents
A child always have difficulty to view the parents as human being. A unique individual; with hope, desire, fear, traits, flaws, etc etc. Not just someone that we call mum and dad. I used to see my parents as the law, the 'God' that create the rule which govern my life. Looking back, it's always been a priority for me to follow what they want and make them proud. It's strange now to think that they were in the same age as I am now when I was born. I don't think I'm the ideal daughter for them anymore. And it's difficult to adjust with the fact that I may have dissapoint them by putting my need first. Does that make me egocentric and ungrateful? Maybe. It surely make me feel that way. But I just could not live my life anymore based on someone else's vision. Specially when it's so not inline with my own. As I don't want to force my view to my parents, I expect them to respect my view and not forcing theirs to me. I don't know... I just want them to be able to see me as not only their child, but also a grown-up woman who surely capable of making decision in her own life and fully responsible with whatever is the outcome. Sometime I think they still think of me as 15 years old.

I don't know if the changes make me a better person or not. I only know that I needed the changes to move on with my life. Now I'm just someone that try to be the-glass-is-half-full kind of person :)

I should have been prepared. I even asked him that question a few times in the past. Challenge him to walk away if it's becoming too much for him. I should have been prepared. I thought I have been prepared. But when it came out from him own mouth that he will walk away should I have to choose, I was far from prepared. Like a knife stabbing straight to my heart. Than I was upset. My whole life has turned upsidedown with this relationship. And now when the condition between me and my parents have change to a point that I know could never really recover, he's going to walk away without even giving me the chance to choose? Than I was scared and I beg him to stay no matter what and only calming down after he said that he didn't mean to leave 'leave' me.

Now in the morning after, I'm just empty. He has every right to leave me if he's not wanting the relationship anymore. If the stake becoming too much than the possible rewards. He's right, should I ever have to choose, even if I choose him, that will over shadow our relationship forever. Maybe I can get over it one day, maybe not. Why should he has to stand and suffer with me. It didn't do any good for me to suffer alone, but everyone has their own way to protect themselves.

And I learn I could never be prepared for such thing. I just have to take it as it come. Prepare for the worst.

Right now I just want to sink in to earth and dissapear.