Stupid Rambling When Sleep Won't Come

I miss my parents.

Funny... cos they never really far. Least not in distance. They only half an hour car rides on a lazy-traffic-free Saturday. I still talk to my mum at least once a week. I used to visit them almost every weekend. Even now, I tried to meet them at least once a month. But physical distance was never the problem.

I miss my parents.

But there's this invisible gap between us that seems to spread. Bigger and bigger. I'm like a walking broken skull with a hole that seems to grow. Bigger and bigger.

I miss my parents.

The time when we used to be able to talk everything. When secrets are not needed. When the conversation does not die after half an hour, not knowing what to say next. When you still think that you know the person that you share your blood with.

I miss my parents.

And I wish they miss me too. I hope they want to know me for the person I am now. Even if I don't turn out to be the perfect daughter that they want me to be. I love them more now than before. Because I saw the flaws, parents are human being, just like me. They are not perfect. And I love them regardless. I hope they can see the human in me, with all the defects, and love me regardless too.

The City of Thousand Memories

It will only going to be less than two hours transit. Hardly enough time to do anything. But it's been three years now since the last time she stepped her foot in that city.

It's late already. The sun had set. As the plane land, she crane her neck to have a better view of the city. She couldn't help but remember. Flood of memories rushing in.

Her first place on her own, the curry puff she usually bought for breakfast, the crazy people she became friend with, the club hoping, her fave irish pub (Finnigan, see... she still remember the name after all that time), her routine morning trip to the tower (sometime half running, cursing why the meeting set at such an early time), her first time having a mobile, the first time she realize how much she hate her mobile averytime it rang (cos more often than not it brought problems that need to be solve, it felt like the mobile imprison her), her first time wearing a dress (a long black sleeveless backless dress that made her felt sexy for the first time in her life), her first time having people reporting to her, her first time having a real responsibility with real impact if she screw up, the first time she try to cook for someone else (and accepting the fact that she may never become a good cooker).

Her first love, her first kiss, her first time making love.

All the laughs. All the tears.

She didn't know what expression her face wore that moment but it made the woman sitting next to her asking what's wrong? are you okay?. She try to smile and look at the kind woman. Nothing, she said, it just the ghost of my past.

Another Trip

My France visa is finally done (pheuh...).

Racing with time, I was afraid I won't make it. I only got the notification to go to Paris one day before I'm leaving for my vacation. And if I wait till my vacation end before I apply the visa, considering it'll take 3 weeks to process, there's no way I'll get it in time.

So there I was, sending back my passport as soon as I arrived to my destination, being 'illegal' almost my whole vacation period, travel domestic flight in Australia without any acceptable form of identification (a miserable excuse of smiling and point to my KTP: "hope you can read Indonesian, Sir. Please don't throw me away from your plane!"), and get my passport the day before I have to travel back to Jakarta (part of me kind of wish that the passport won't come back in time so I have valid excuse to extend my vacation - but somehow I have the feeling that my boss won't appreciate it much).

All the risk of being stranded in foreign country without passport, just so I can go to this workshop for two days. Think I'll spend more time travelling than actually being in Paris. Was seriously considering of staying there for an extra day, but somehow didn't really feel like going around in one of the most romantic city alone. Man... I'm definitely getting more boring each day. The old me will jump around in excitement for that.

But I really do exciting about this workshop. THAT, and not Paris, is why I choosed all that troubles. Does that qualify me as pathetic corporate bitch? :) But on my defense, It's not everyday someone get the opportunity to be involve in setting the 'vision' in his/her workplace.

Back Again

Hi Baby,

So here I am, here again. Far away from you. Again.

Sorry if I seemed to rush trying to go boarding yesterday. It just felt like I couldn't contain the tears anymore. And your 'five more minutes please' make my eyes more watery. Of course I still cried like a fool in the gate, wetten your shirt (guess all those times, still didn't train me to reserve myself). There's too much pain in goodbye.

I went to autopilot after that. Block my feeling, refuse to let me sense anything. In those hours of travelling, I just give focus on one thing. Finishing my Grisham's "The Broker" book. I guess the book is not too bad, but to be honest, I couldn't really enjoy it. I just read it as flow of informations. Fact after fact leading to another fact. I didn't try to savour how the character buing built, tha flow of the story, the beauty of the words choice, or anything. It just a tool to occupy my mind. Distract me from the fact that I was flying, further and further away from you. Do you know that I manage to finish that fat book in less than six hours?

The first few days are always the hardest, hon. Especially at night since I couldn't find my escape in work which keep my mind away from you on day time. I miss having your warm body next to me. Your arms cradling me. I miss waking up in the morning with you. Your morning hugs with your morning breath. And yes, I even miss your farts.

Thank you for our wonderful two weeks together, darling. And also for the trip to meet your dad. Him and his wife and the two cats and the dog and the two horses, they are all just so wonderful. Make me feel welcome to your family. And make me feel more guilty that it couldn't be that way from my side.

I miss you so much already, baby. And it's only just one day passing by. My only consolation is that I don't have to wait that long to see you again. Two or three months might seems like ages to other couples, but comparing to our normal six months rotation, what a gift it is for us.

I love you.

B