I'm a Lucky Person

Let me count the ways... (not in the order of importance)

1. I have a good job. Pays well enough to let me be independent and live comfortably. Gives me a chance to work and travel around the world. Allow me to meet some of the weirdest, wackiest, people from various background and nationality. There are days when I wake up feeling that I just really don't want to go to work today. But there are also days when I look back and I'm so grateful and proud with all the accomplishment, experience and personal growth that I gain so far. If at the end I need to give up this job and risk getting something else, I know I'm well equiped to survive by myself.

2. I have a family that love me. We're definitely not a picture perfect family. In fact, this is the rockiest and coldest condition we ever have. But deep down (tho now it's like you need to dig a lot deeper than usual), we know that we love each other. And whatever crazy-insignificant-yet-principal argument that we have right now, is the result of love. No matter how egocentric it may come across to each other.

3. I have good health (tho loosing few of those extra pounds is definitely most welcome!). What more important is, I have enough common sense to appreciate the beauty of life (only lately my irrational part seems to be in over drive).

4. I have a wonderful human being that, despite knowing the dark side of my -obsessive-selfdestruct-psycho- personality, love me. For who I am, the good and the bad. And he actually want to spend the rest of his life with me.

My life is not perfect. Yes. I kind of have more than I can chew in my plate at the moment. Yes. I seem to loose control of my life. Yes.

But than again, who isn't? Who's in the world that still breathing that doesn't have their own set of problems?

So stop being a self-pity-cry-baby bitch!!!

Stop. Killing. Yourself!

Stop torturing yourself with all these negative thought brewing in your dirty brain. Stop thinking that the whole world are against you. Stop believing that everything will go wrong no matter what you do.

STOP. Just STOP!!!

Deep breath. Things are not as bad as you think it is. Even if it is, it's not meant to last forever. Nothing meant to be forever. All things will pass. This too, will pass.

Promise me that everytime you feel low, to take a deep breath, close your eyes and just keep repeating. This too, shall pass.

Total Wreck!

I just received an email from my future mum-in-law. Quote "I don't know how you keep so calm with all these Wedding arrangements. If it were me I think I would be a wreck!"

Calm? ME? CALM???

I'm like this close to scream on top of the building. It's getting more and more difficult to focus on what should I do next. I'M A TOTAL WRECK!!!

Maybe it's my own fault anting to do this by myself without EO. But we're in tight budget since we're paying the wedding by ourself. So spending 5 mill RP for EO seems like such a luxury :( So here I am with my zero wedding knowledge, trying to juggle everything at the same time.

Try to combine western and traditional wedding together. Try to convince your Australian boyfriend that he won't look silly wearing 'kopiah' in his head and that he will need to shake hands to 300 total strangers. Try to convince your parents that the 'normal' way to do wedding may not be 'normal' in the eyes of others and that they shouldn't feel guilty of not inviting Mrs B that they talked like once a year and one time asked to be invited if I'm married.

I can't wait to have the wedding done and over with...

Irony

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."
From Shakespeare [As You Like It]

Yes, we are all merely players in this crazy world. And my parents could probably win an oscar for best actor and actress.

This weekend, my sister broke the news of my father blow out scene when I was still away for the course. He said that he wants to divorce my mum. That he hasn't been happy for the last one year and that he feels like divorce is a way to avoid him hitting my mum. All that, infront of my poor sweet mum that just keep her mouth shut.

I know about my dad bad temper which drive the family nuts from time to time. But I always thought that even tho they might not be in a lovey-dovey newly-wed condition anymore, they are at least in some sort of comfort zone with each other. I mean 28 years of marriage is not a short time. To say that I'm shock and dissapointed is an understatement.

The sad thing is not really on the divorce. I can accept that, as I'm sure that my sisters can too. As long as they can be happy. What is sad is I think they will not get divorce and just stuck being unhappy on the last stage of their life. I don't think my dad will ever survive taking care of himself. You're talking about the guy who ask my mum to do ever single thing, even taking his own drink from the kitchen. And he knows that we, the daughters, are closer to mum than to him. My mum would probably bear her pain in silent so that she won't be a burden to her daughters or family. And so they will continue living their life as players in stage. Putting their mask to the world and living the live that they don't love.

It's very hard for me to look at my dad and respect him as an individual. I know that he raised me but I have lost my respect. The best I could is tolerate him, for old time sake, and for respecting my mum wish. Even if she wish to stay with him.

And to think that all this happen when I'm preparing my wedding.

Isn't life is just one big comedy play?