Monday, July 24, 2006

7 more days...

July end in 7 more days. 7. more. days. And than I'll know. He'll know. The end of the road and where it will lead us to.

I've been trying so hard to stay positive. I've try to keep nurturing my hope and believe that everything will be ok eventho there's part of me that just keep thinking of the worst case scenario. I think subconciously that's my way of avoiding total shock should it won't work out. It's like the battle of light and darkness and keeping it balance really has been a challange. But yesterday morning, after the cold phone call, I just break down and cry. And I talk to God and feel connected to God, something I haven't done for long time.

I pray, if it's not meant to be, please give us all strength to end it and strength to move on. I pray, if it's meant to be, please give him strength to do what he needs to do and please let him forgive me for that. And I pray whatever it is, please just let us all have the strength to reach the final conclussion soon.

7. more. days...

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

To Live Healthily - 3rd Objective Revision

To achieve the 3rd objective of my last post, I've decided to start a new diet. But unlike the past, I didn't just go to book store and bought whatever diet book that's best displayed on the shelves or to believed, blindly, to other people advices that there's some miracle cure out there that can cut my weight fast without pain (typical slogan you can see on diet gimmick). This time I made myself do a bit more scientific research on 'diet' which consequently lead me to 'health'. And than it hit me. I have been, foolishly AND repeatedly, doing the same mistake. Over and over again.

My first error is the objective itself. LOSE WEIGHT. The truth is, I have been eating and living unhealthily. The weight creeping up little by little, so slow that I noticed but didn't really do anything cos I thought that all was still under control. Than I realize that I have been buying bigger and bigger clothes and my tummy has two yukky flab and I wonder 'how do I let myself becoming this?' :( But just like the extra weight, aiming to lose weight is a problem by itself. It's a superficial target drive by superficial motivation. Media have been guilty in bombarding the world with the ideal image of beauty. Lots of people suffer life-threatening bulimia and anorexia so they could look bonny skinny like those slim models that rule the runway. I sure want to look good on my wedding kebaya later, and that's definitely a motivation. But I know that focusing on weight lost ONLY is focusing on the wrong issue and not tackling the core problem.

My second fault is to do DIET. I don't know about you, but for me, diet means a period of time when you torture yourself (physically and mentally) by denying most of the good things that life has to offer to your tongue. Sure there's plenty enough diet variation you can choose. Atkins, Zone, South Beach, Weight Watcher, Cabbage Soup (seriously, I don't even bother to do research on this one, the name itself already sound stupid and crazy enough), detox, low carbs - high fat, low fat - high carbs (unfortunately no diet yet claim it can allow high carbs - high fat :), and the list goes on. I've tried a few in the past like Atkins diet (I think I quit because I didn't lose significant weight and I read some scary negative impact of that diet), Detox diet (which is very strict and painful and I did it with my boyfriend we're on OUR HOLIDAY TOGETHER so say no further, I gave up I think on the 2nd or 3rd day. We were such delusional dimwit trying to diet on the time that the temptation is at highest), or simply just starving myself blindly. No wonder I could never stay on diet for more than a week. Once I claim that I will be on diet, FOOD is the MAIN thing in my mind ATT ALL TIME. I became obsessed with food specially those I can't touch. Finally I fold on temptation and because I'm one of those perfectionist-all-or-nothing kind of freak, I usually just give up alltogether afterwards.

So now let me revise my 3rd objective. I want to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to feel good about my body by aiming to get rid of that yukky flab in those places that I don't want (and will still be happy eventho it's not likely that I will ever gonna have Kate Moss's body). I want to feel healthy AND stronger and actually able to do more than half hour exercise without feeling like I'm going to die right on that spot.

Really. AT the end it's a hard pill that I have to swallow. There is no quick fix to the problem that I have been giving to myself for years now. Again. THERE'S NO QUICK FIX!!! THERE'S NO MAGIC FORMULA!!! YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK TO EARN IT!!! (I have to keep repeating it so my slow brain can actually grasp it). It's a change of ATTITUDE. It's a change of LIFESTYLE. For LIFE.

Monday, July 17, 2006

5 Things I Want To Do Before 2006 Gone By

1. Drive in Jakarta's street. Highlight "In-Jakarta's-Street".
I'm ashamed to admit that I have been dependant on having others driving me around. My driving license expired 4 years ago and I haven't renew it since. Started yesterday, I'm taking driving lesson to refresh my rusty skill. I'll have 3 more lessons to go (maybe more depending on my level of confidence) before I'm making new license and start battling the war against all the crazy-maniac-i'don'tcareifigothurt-bikers.

2. Enroll to online master degree.
SomethingI've been planning since last year. And somehow I keep giving myself excuse to postpone it. Not enough time. Too much energy taken. Too expensive (wouldn't it be better if I use the money for shopping?). Blablabla... the list goes on. Regardless of all that, deep in the back of my mind, i know that it's an investment worth taking. I have safe enough money to do it. And now, when I'm not even thinking about children, would be the best time to take it.

3. Lose Weight, 13 kgs of me.
I'm in borderline of being overweight. My BMI is 25.2 (ideal BMI is 18.5 - 25). 13 kg is a very agressive target to achieve in only 5 months but it's definietly doable. I don't want to starve myself tho. I don't believe in self-punishment. I do know that I need to eat healthier food group (yea.. yea... I even going to try eating more of those yukky veggie) and excercise more (my dusty elliptical bike will be so happy).

4. Call and talk to my sis and my parents more.
We are not one of those close family that hang around together regularly. The fact that my sisters and I live in different cities make us only see each other maybe once every 2 or 3 months. In fact, I haven't seen my middle sister for almost a year now since she's not even in the country. But I know that with email/chatting/phone/sms and all the goodies that technology offer, it's not an excuse to loose contact. So concious effort to have minimum of one contact per week is needed.

5. Get married.
Needless to say, it's the top of my priority now. 4.5 years relationship, 3.5 years of that long distance, have drain my energy away. Few quick emails and phonecall over weekend left me in constant hunger for something more. I just want to share my days with the one that I love. Without having to count on how many more days before the next meeting and how many more days before we have to seperate our ways again.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Citizenship Law

The government has approved the law that allow children from mixed marriage to have dual citizenship till their 18 years old. Finally. And about bloody time that the government come to their senses. My happiness is beyond words :)

All is thanks to this wonderful people that have been fighting to pass the law. Let's hear it for them... HIP HIP HORAY! Once again... HIP HIP HOOOORAAAYYY!!! :)

Aside from that, this morning on a radio I heard a woman complaining that the law should allow her kids to have dual citizenship forever. Now I can understand where she stands. It's as if asking a child to choose between the mother or the father. And I would love that my children [heh, typical woman, haven't been married and yet already imagining her future children :)] can hold dual citizenship forever. Still, to be fair with the rest of hundred millions of Indonesian that only allowed single citizenship, I don't see that children from mixed marriage should be given special treatment once they're mature enough to make their own decision. Don't get me wrong, I think in this more-and-more-becoming-borderless world that we live in now, Indonesia should join this 89 countries that recognize some form of dual/multiple citizenship. But that option should apply to ALL Indonesian citizen.

While waiting to the time when Indonesian government put enough trust to its citizens in having dual nationality, let's just see what country that do or don't recognize dual citizenship. We are not alone, people.


red - don't, yellow - do, gray - unknown
Source: Wikipedia

Now with the change of the law, maybe Indonesian colour should be change into something between red and yellow. Maybe we're ORANGE country? :)