Fuck!!!

The weight feels so heavy on her shoulder. It was shocked that first register. Than anger. Than intense pain. Than fear. She never like conflict. Her whole life she lived a sheltered life. Sure there were problems. But nothing so significant to rock her little world. Which now feels like it's crumbling over.

The pain had somewhat numb. The hours spent on crying. Swollen eyes. Drying tears. They probably do the trick. It's fear now. And anger. That mostly ruling her mind.

The fear, she understand it. She was brought up in fear. It's part of the culture, they said. Fear of not finishing her meal or the devil will come. Fear of not doing her homework so the teacher will punish. Fear of not being a good daughter and disappoint the parent. Now, it's the fear of loosing what she hold dear the most. The people that hold her past, raised her to make her what she is now. And the person that hold her future, sharing the rest of her life with. How does one suppose to choose? Past or Future? Will one be significant enough without the other? Will a person feel complete with just having one?

The anger, how it fright her. She feels it burning in her heart. Uncontrollable. Tear down anything the fire touch. It consume her. The self destruction she know is happening. The chain cigarettes. The black smoke eating her lungs. Alcohol suddenly become a needed constant company. The poison filling her kidney. She know damn well it's destroying her. That's the whole purpose for her. Somehow the destruction done by herself completes the destruction coming from outside. A total punishment. Something she felt she deserved.

And she know with time the anger will grow. She can feel the seeds growing already. She fear the day when she hate everything. Hate everyone. She fear the day when she can't forgive. Can't forget.

It's a dark dark place. She never feel more alone.

Crossroad

The last few days have been exceptionally hard. I don't even know how to write it. It's pain beyond pain. Fear beyond fear. And I'm in awe with a new understanding of what one person is capable of. It's something unknown, specially during emotional moment, maybe even to the person itself, not to mention others.

How could a dad choose between his principle and his daughter. How could a woman choose between her husband and her daughter. How could a daughter choose between her parents and her lover. How could a man choose between his lover and his principle.

How could I ever choose. It's pain beyond pain. It's fear beyond fear.

On Meditation (1)

Progress on my new project, so far so so lah.

I'm having a hard time to increase my now-5min meditation time. Night time turned out to be not good for a very stupid reason, I'm scared that if I got 'intouch' with my 'inner self', when I open my eyes, I will find errr... 'something' (x-file background music on...). I know it's sooo silly and unreasonable, but it's difficult to concentrate if you have constant urge to peek to make sure that nothing's there.

So morning is all I got. The problem is, I'm not a morning person. My morning usually hectic and chaotic, juggling between my excercise, watching tv, breakfast, and preparing myself to go. So 5 minutes of meditating is all that I can seem to squeeze in.

I guess I have to try waking up earlier... Yuck! Long way to go to 20 minutes.

JANUARY Habit

Deciding a new habit turns out to be trickier than I thought. Should I aim high or low. Should it be for the body or the soul. Should it be simple or complex.

Thinking... thinking... thinking... At the end, inspired by this article in Time, I decided to make a 20 minutes a day meditation part of my daily ritual. Direct quote from the writing, "meditation directly affects the function and structure of the brain, changing it in ways that appear to increase attention span, sharpen focus and improve memory". The article did said 40 minutes of meditation, but starting in moderate pace seems to be what's best for me.

So last weekend, I bought a meditation book from QB and a meditation CD music. This morning I did a 5 minutes session. Didn't feel any focus getting sharper or memory getting improve (proven by me forgetting to grab a banana for breakfast on my way out). But maybe it's because my grey matter need a higher dose of meditation before any of that effects reach me.

New Year Resolution!

My favorite new year resolution always goes into something like... I will lose X kg of weight this year. Year after year, instead of losing, I always end up gaining a bit more :p Among other resolution were to quit smoking (not fully yet, but definitely not as much as before), to learn photography (bought the SLR camera, but always end up taking it in automatic mode instead of manual), to learn Spanish (still limited to buenos dias and gracias), getting married in 2005 (yeah right!!!), and so on.

So looking back at my disgraceful line of failing hope, I had decided not to have any this year. But I change my mind (see... even my resolution of not having resolution fail!) Now, I decided to try a new style of resolution.

Change one in one month.

I will focus my energy to one specific habit mine every month. At the end of that month, hopefully it will become an effortless part of me. And by the end of 2006, hopefully, I will have 12 new habits that make me a better person.

I will make a post in beginning of each month, deciding on what new habit I want to adopt. And maybe some other post here and there to update the progress.

So now that it begins...

Cheers!!!

For the promise of loving myself more and hating myself less.
For the promise to remember to take a deep deep breath every now and than.
For the promise to appreciate more the little things that life offer.

That's all that I wish for myself in 2006.